posted
This was posted originally at TOP by a member, Molar the Tyrant. It is funny, so I have posted it here.
One Spanish word: cojones. One question. Even though Kirk would turn out to be Wesley's father, how long would he let him stay on the bridge? How they would react to Wesley. Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills. Kirk: Use kid to get to mother. How they deal with primitive new civilizations. Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive. Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor. What is the result of encounters with unidentified Romulans? Kirk: fires at them. Picard: gets fired at. How did they do at Starfleet academy? Picard: flunked entrance exam. Kirk: re-programmed Kobyashi Moru. Doesn't believe in defeat Adolescent Years Picard: Squishing grapes in quaint French vineyard. Kirk: Dating four-breasted cheerleaders in Xabulon system. What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions. Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt. Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook. What they do when confronted with a living entity that doesn't speak English. Picard: Try all reasonable and prudent means to communicate Kirk: If it moves, it's toast. How they spend their captain's salary. Picard: wise inter-galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient archeological artifact. Kirk: blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers. How they would react to Deanna's mother? Picard: embarrassed tolerance. Kirk: bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read Kahn's mind for a while. How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge. Picard: encourage science officer to adopt one. Kirk: beam their cute, cuddly asses aboard Klingon ship. One question: what would Kirk have done if he saw a female doctor bending over the operating table? Quick query: what would Kirk have done if the chief of security showed up wearing a ponytail, or if the first officer ordered him off the bridge for his own safety? There was no Klingon word for "defeat" - until they met Kirk. Conversely, the very syllables "pi-card", although difficult for Klingons to pronounce, form the Klingon term for "wuss". Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. Picard is even more beloved in France than Jerry Lewis. Sure, in their respective eras, they were both Presidents of the Hair Club for Men. But Kirk was also a client. Kirk was a strong enough leader to keep Scotty in Weight Watchers until after the TV series. Could have done the same for Riker. Picards jumpsuit is from Oshkosh b'Gosh. Picard's female officers think the captain's "log" is some kind of wimpy electronic journal. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 reasons why Picard is better than Kirk: If Kirk had been killed in the first episode, the show would have been reduced to 30 minutes of good acting. Picard can pilot the Enterprise through a mine field. Kirk doesn't have a maneuver named after him. Picard's science officer has perfect recall, knows the Vulcan neck pinch, and *never* sleeps. Kirk goes into the past, Picard goes into the future. Picard's Chief of Security wears chain mail. Kirk never ran around Starfleet Headquarters firing phasers at Admirals. Picard got blasted in the chest and lived. If Kirk wants a Bird of Prey, he has to steal one. Picard just has to ask, and the Klingons give him one. Picard's nemesis: an omnipotent malevolent being. Kirk's nemesis: a beer-bellied liar. Picard is assigned to protect the Klingon Empire from invasion by Romulans. Kirk is assigned to protect bins of wheat from invasion by tiny furballs. Picard succeeds in protecting the Klingon Empire from invasion by Romulans. Kirk fails to protect bins of wheat from invasion by tiny fuzzballs. Picard's engineer has X-Ray vision. Picard speaks Klingonese liquidly. Picard has the guts to stand among hundreds of Klingons and argue with them. Picard's chief engineer has never been drunken in service. Two words: designer shuttles Picard didn't have to cheat at the Kobayashi Maru Test. If Picard ever met Trelane, he'd win the fencing duel. Picard was challenged by a god eight days a week - and always won. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 reasons why Janeway is better than Picard: One word: hair Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through. Looks better in sleepwear. (Debatable) When Janeway lands her ship, it can take off again. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasle her way out of it with philosophical ramblings. 100 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands. She doesn't need to waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off. Has a more manly voice. Used to have a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish! Neelix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable. Riker never smiled at Picard that way (Thank God!!) Q asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused. Q asked Picard's girlfriend to run away with him and she accepted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 reasons Sisko is better than any other Star Trek Captain: He survived Wolf 359 without being on the Borg's side. He managed to blackmail a Ferengi. He sets the fashions for the Federation. He beat ex-terrorist Bajoran military at guerilla warfare. He'll never spend an episode wondering if he should have had a family. His security officer would have a reasonable explanation for growing a ponytail between episodes. He underwent torture by dehydration IN A POLO-NECK ! He overturned centuries of Cardassian legal precedent by walking into a courtroom and just looking at the judge. Tests show , if he doesn't get his own way , he'll collapse the wormhole. When Picard falls in love , complex ethical reasons prevent him from continuing . When Sisko fell in love , the only thing that stopped him was her being a figment of somebody else's imagination. He throws a mean curve ball. Picard's entire command crew would NEVER all go to his quarters for a meal Picard had cooked himself. He trashed a gambling joint with his Science Officer. He's the equivalent of Moses in the Bajoran Religion. Omnipotent , shmomnipotent . He punched Q instead of hiding in his ready room. He shrugged off a Klingon's headbutt , roared , hit the Klingon off a console twice and flipped him over his back. Nobody ecapes from the Jem'Hadar . Except Sisko . Twice. Two words: Cloaking device. Starfleet ordered Picard to take command of the Enterprise , Sisko ordered Starfleet to give him the Defiant. Picard is a major figure in the Federation , Sisko is a major figure in Earth history.
------------------ "We are the middle children of history man, no purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual one, our great depression is our lives."
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posted
Hm... I like the way some of the reasons why Kirk is better than Picard are exactly the same as some of the reasons why Picard is better than Kirk. *L*
Anyway, for future reference, random bits of comedy should go in the Officers' Lounge, so I'm moving this there.
------------------ "I just measured him. He's about 21"." -Chris Martin, 14-Jul-2000
In a movie, no matter what window you look out in Paris, the Eiffel Tower is always right there." ~~~ "'I think my mask of sanity is about to slip' -American Psycho ~~~ "Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel." ~~~ "Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player." ~~~ "'Remember there's no I in team' ... (but there is a M and an E)"
Saltah'na
Chinese Canadian, or 75% Commie Bastard.
Member # 33
posted
I remember seeing this in a different version of "20 reasons why Janeway is better than Picard":
"Captain Kirk looked good in a ripped shirt. Captain Picard looked good without a shirt. Captain Janeway would...... wait, we can't have that on television!!!!"
So it's a bit dirty. Sue me.
------------------ "My Name is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. I own a Mansion and a Yacht." Psychiatrist: "Again."
posted
For�aken: Do you intentionally add that Starfleet logo everytime you post?
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