Taken from http://www.grudge-match.com/History/santa_teamsters.shtml. Credit the guys at Grudge Match for the idea, and V. Scott Jorgensen with the Conspiracy Theory, which is a hoot.
December 7, 1999
Corporate Headquarters, Global Operations
Santa Enterprises Corporation
Dear Valued Employee:
Due to the competitive pressures of a modernizing holiday industry, SE has been steadily losing market share to aggressive newcomers like Kwanzaa, as well as established industry leaders such as Hanukkah. These competitive pressures have driven SE to modernize its physical plant to increase automation and efficiency, streamlining our corporate structure as well.
As you may have noticed, robotic assembly droids have taken over the majority of the toy assembly duties. Also, the sleigh has had its outdated propulsion system replaced with a GE 9000 jet engine, the same engine used in the highly successful Boeing 777 airliner.
Unfortunately, the recent changes have forced us to eliminate your position. While SE stands ready to assist you in finding new employment, the responsibility for finding a new position is yours. Unemployment insurance is available until December 24, 1999.
Merry Christmas
S. Claus
President and CEO
Santa Enterprises Corporation
December 8, 1999
International Brotherhood of Teamsters
Dear S. Clause:
Well, how symbolic of you to drop this little bomb on Pearl Harbor day, you cold-hearted, red-suited, little fat bastard. You have sucked from the teat of your exploited wage-slaves for the last time. And to time it so that unemployment insurance runs out on Christmas Eve! I hope your flabby ass burns in hell.
Well, your labor force has agreed to join forces with the Teamsters and to strike your little sweat-shop. "I don't need a labor force," you say? Well, just wait and see if any of your delivery vehicles manage to cross our picket lines. Almost all of your deliveries are made by Union drivers. Can you say "sympathy strike?"
You know as well as I do that these measures have been taken not because of competitive pressures, but to line your own deep pockets with obscene stock options. You want to see lost market share? We'll give you lost market share!
See you at the "negotiating table", asshole!
"Legs" Maloney
Vice-President
International Brotherhood of Teamsters
12/11/99
Hello. This is Oliver Stone. I am here to present a timeline of the tragic events surrounding the assassination of Nicholas Claus, our own beloved Santa. This timeline, I believe, will present evidence and information contrary to the findings of the official Committee. It will become evident that the Committee's "Lone Grinch Theory" is nothing more than a cover-up for the Crime of the Century.
----------
8:15 am
As the workday begins, Santa arrives to a small contingency of elves with picket signs. One witness claims she heard, 'You're going down, fat boy!'
8:45 am
Mr. Grinch, the janitor, arrives for work. He would later be described by those who knew him as 'having cobwebs in his soul' and resembling a 'brown banana with a greasy black peel.'
9:00 am
Santa's Magic Village opens to an anxious crowd of parents and children hoping to see the annual Christmas parade. Frosty, the security chief of Santa's Magic Village, takes his position by the large North Pole at the corner of "Roasted Chestnut Road" and "Sugarplum Fairy Drive."
9:04 am
Mr. Grinch takes the stairs up to the 6th floor of The Gingerbread House, the corporate offices of Claus, Inc.
9:05 am
Several witnesses recall seeing 'lots of short fellas' gathering by the picket fence in front of the hill next to Santa's Workshop.
9:06 am
Santa and Mrs. Claus get into their sleigh and begin the slow drive down "Candy Cane Lane".
9:07 am
Frosty's magic hat is stolen. It would be a matter of minutes before Frosty melts, leaving security drastically crippled.
9:08 am
Celebrity Jimmy Stewart is seen amongst the crowd. Several onlookers begin asking for autographs.
9:10 am
The crowd cheers as the Sleigh winds around the corner of "Stocking Stuffer Drive."
9:11 am
Rudolph, long-time friend and now ex-employee of Santa Claus, is seen 'looking sullen' by the "Get Your Picture Taken Here" sign.
9:15 am
The sleigh moves down "Roasted Chestnut Road." Photographs taken that day show several reindeer scattered through the crowd, wearing what look like ear-radios.
9:17 am
The parade stops for up to 3 minutes as Santa hands out candy canes and shakes hands with the crowd. Witnesses recall a voice in the crowd yelling, 'The beard is fake!'
9:20 am
Frosty melts. The sleigh makes the turn onto "Sugarplum Fairy Drive." Rudolph's nose lights up as he watches the parade.
9:21 am
The first shot sounds. Mrs. Claus yells, 'They're going to kill us all!' Within seconds, another shot rings out, hitting Santa in the back causing him to lurch forward.
9:22 am
Another shot hits Jimmy Stewart. Witnesses remember hearing a voice yell, 'Let's see Clarence get those wings, now!' Gunshots are heard coming from the "Holiday Train Station."
9:23 am
Within seconds, several shots ring out. Rudolph disappears into the crowd. Santa slumps over onto his wife's lap. The sleigh accelerates, speeding Santa to the hospital.
9:25 am
Several stunned onlookers recall seeing a little blonde boy, wearing an eye patch, running from the picket fence area. Later, people will say the unmistakable report of a Red Rider BB gun sounded from this area.
9:30 am
In the aftermath, people swarm the hill by the Workshop. Hoof prints are found in the dirt.
9:35 am
Police secure The Gingerbread House. Three spent Candy Canes will be found in the so-called "Sniper's Nest." Witnesses also say police carried away a 'green slipper with curly toes.' This has since disappeared from evidence.
9:45 am
Santa Claus pronounced deceased. Doctors say he managed to touch the side of his nose once and wink before expiring.
9:50 am
Mr. Grinch heads homeward to Whoville.
9:55 am
Police issue an APB for Mr. Grinch, using only three words to describe him: 'stink, stank, stunk.'
10:00 am
Mr. Grinch is picked up and accused of stealing Christmas. He is never formally charged with the assassination.
10:15 am
Santa's body arrives at the morgue. His beard is missing. There are disputes as to whether it was shaven, it was fake, or this body being a "Santa's Helper," one of the many decoys employed by the Claus family.
10:20 am
Witnesses in the area's airport recall seeing 'some tiny guys' laughing and bragging about 'how good the hunting is in these parts.'
10:30 am
Blitzen, a formerly-employed reindeer, charges through the police station and impales Mr. Grinch on his antlers.
11:00 am
Blitzen commits suicide by shooting himself in the back of the head.
3:25 pm
The Teamster Union acquires the Island of Lost Toys and staffs it with several of Santa's ex-elves.
--------
It is quite clear by this chain of events that the most horrendous of conspiracies robbed us of our innocence, our Christmas, and a jolly fat man. The truth shall set you free.
------------------
"My Name is Elmer Fudd, Millionaire. I own a Mansion and a Yacht."
Psychiatrist: "Again."
[This message has been edited by Tahna Los (edited December 05, 2000).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
