Of course Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby, is gay. They're all gay. That whole industry is gay. That industry being, of course, live action children's entertainers.So we need to out the entire list? Fine. Sigmund and the Sea Monsters. All gay. HR Pufnstuf: America's first openly gay mayor (Mayor McCheese only came out after that scandal with his all-too-appropriately named commercial competitor, Jack in the Box). Speaking of Pufnstuf: You remember Freddie, the talking flute? Not just a phallic symbol -- he's queer as a three dollar bill; his mincing paranoia is widely regarded by insiders as the inspiration for C-3PO. Witchiepoo? Loves the Indigo Girls.
Shall we go on? Marlo and the Magic Movie Machine. Both gay. After the show was cancelled, the only work the Magic Movie Machine could get was in a gay porno house in Times Square. They cut a slot for quarters into his front panel. The New Zoo Review -- some were gay, some were polyamorous, all were pagans. The Banana Splits were a rock band in the glam-era early 70s; they slept with anything in those cocaine-fueled bathhouse orgies with the Bugaloos.
Electro Woman and Dyna Girl -- perhaps the fundamental lesbian icons of the mid-70s, although Isis gave them a run for the money. I mean, really: An unmarried female high school teacher with a penchant for Egyptian jewelry? Do you need a road map? And let's not even talk about "Captain Marvel": A teen boy that becomes a muscle-bound man in tights with the help of six Greek gods. Shazam, indeed.
But what about the commercial characters? Everyone expects the characters in the shows to have some strange lifestyle choices -- they are performers, after all. But surely advertisers, skittish creatures that they are, would demand heterosexuality. That Mayor McCheese thing was just a fluke, right?
Guess again. Look at Grimace. Just look at him. The Hamburgler's spent most of his adult life in prison; the things done to him there would give D.H. Lawrence pause. Ronald is gay but studiously celibate; he doesn't want to mess with a good thing.
The Trix Rabbit: Gay and obsessive. Toucan Sam has a rainbow flag on his beak. Count Chocula is pure Eurofag; he's been living openly with Lucky the Leprechaun since the early 80s. Tony the Tiger thinks he passes in the straight world, but the bandanna gives him away. And everyone sees the looks he gives Sugar Bear. Snap Crackle and Pop: Those sordid little elves have been at it for years. And as for Cap'N Crunch: Come on. No navy in the world is going to commission a man whose eyebrows are on his hat. He just likes the uniform.
Every single one of them. Gay like a disco at 2am. Gosh, it's a miracle that any of us kids grew up straight at all.
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