2. When you call IT support to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures and other assorted crap. We don't have a life so we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When IT support sends you an email with high importance, delete it immediately. We're just testing the public groups.

4. When a IT support engineer is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out - we only exist to serve.

5. When a IT support engineer is having a smoke in the smoking room, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have access to email or a telephone

6. Send urgent email in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a IT support engineer's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that tells you he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hrs before you send an email to the managing director because no-one ever returned your call. You are, after all, entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT support. After all, there's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message from home, call IT support - we can fix your line from the office

10. When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on a IT support engineer's desk with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge

11. When you have IT Support on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love the sound of our own voices.

12. When we offer training on the new software package, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand once it's complete

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Everyone knows print jobs get sucked into black holes every now and then.

14. When the printer STILL won't print after 20 attempts, send the job to every other printer in the building. One of them is bound to work

15. Don't use online help - that is for wimps

16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for any overtime we can get.

17. When you have IT support engineer fixing your PC at 2:15, eat your lunch in front of him. We function better when wracked with pangs of hunger

18. Don't EVER thank us - we're paid for doing this

19. When a IT support engineer asks you if you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's not our business what you've got on the PC

20. If a mouse cable keeps knocking down the picture of your loved one, lift the computer and trap the cable. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs of computer sitting on top of them

21. If the spacebar on your computer doesn't work, blame it on the exchange upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of biscuit crumbs and nail clippings in them

22. When you get a message asking "Are You Sure ?", click on that YES button as fast as possible. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it in the first place, would you ?

23. Feel free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind hearing our area of expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call IT support. Changing the cartridge is an extremely technical task and Hewlett Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a masters degree in Nuclear Physics

25. When something is the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the helpdesk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third-party who knows jack-shit about the problem

26. When you receive a 300 Mb AVI file, send it on to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got LOADS of disk space on the server

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Someone else may sneak a memo into the queue

28. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come on over the weekend and do his projects on your work PC. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6 makes your Access 95 disappear and riddles your PC with viruses

I work in the Training Management office at my squadron. Many of your complaints above have their counterparts in training.

For example:

(This list is an exaggeration, and the examples aren't precisely what tick me off, but it's close.)
• Call us up and ask when the "Avionics Integrated Systems" class will graduate (at another base altogether), and whether you are scheduled to receive any of the graduates.

  We have no way of finding these things out, but its comforting to know you think I'm omniscient.

• Ask me to schedule someone to a class that does not exist.

  Surely I can find a way to get this class scheduled even if I have no idea who teaches it or what it's called in our computerized tracking system.

• Ask me obscure questions about security.

  After all, I have to ensure everyone's been qualified on that subject, so I must know everything about it, right?

• Show up to process into the squadron without any paperwork and with no employee number assigned.

  I can just make up some information about you and plug it into the computerized tracking system anyway. After all, I have nothing to do most of the time and am happy to change all the incorrect information later.

• Tell me 2 hours after a class has started that "Airman Bonehead" went TDY 2 weeks ago and can't make it to the class.

  I know you're so busy that this was your only opportunity to tell me about it, and besides, I hardly ever get to use my Tardis. I love explaining to the Wing scheduler that we couldn't possibly have let them know far enough in advance to get someone into that class seat anyway.

• Schedule your new Airmen for dental cleaning appointments on the same day/at the same time as a class we spent 6 months trying to get an instructor for.

  Neither the instructor's time nor mine is nearly as important as these Airmen's dental hygeine.

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A well-intentioned fool can get into more trouble than any number of rapscallions.
www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/8641/