Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and Fanta! We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
pony and traps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt ... well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourselfto a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays.

***

With the rugby world cup on at the moment. . .

A little boy from South Africa had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. A couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope
was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was a bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said "Don't worry, the Pope is a rugby fan, so wear your
Springbok top and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little Kiwi boy in an All Blacks top. The lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says "Don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll
get you an All Blacks top and then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the South African boy is feeling traitorous in his new All Blacks top. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul getsout, bends down and says to the lad "I thought I told you to f*** off yesterday"

***

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman.
So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!"

The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his
buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really piss him off... just you watch." So, the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

***

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

***

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of his pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and will instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when hey are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them
back and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out the window at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning
home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

***

10 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Magician. . .

1. Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.

2. "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of your Granny.

3. His "assistant" is Zuppy from the Den.

4. His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jacob's Creek.

5. During one trick, screams "Pick a feckin' card NOW or I swear I'll blow the boy's head off!"

6. Asks if anybody in the audience has a packet of Rizlas.

7. Smoke begins to emanate from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.

8. Before every trick, tells the hostess: "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your Wonderbra."

9. Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier trick of pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.

10. His "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half?
"Ohshitohshitohshit!!"

***

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky.

***

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky.

***

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye
makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky.

***

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye
makin' love wearing blue suede shoes ?
A honky tonky bonky winky wonky.

***

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye
makin' love wearing blue suede shoes playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky bonky winky wonky.

***

What do ya call a one-eyed three legged donkey with a guitar, wearing leather, from china(the donkey not the leather), whos just after letting a fart off?