Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and
dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties.

I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's payback time. There had
better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nation wide
meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. The cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!!!!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to HasBro to get him,
bring me GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a
boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyways? Hullo!?!

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms
that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once
he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teachers make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a
piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and
Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find
yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

As ever, ....... Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned for

changes in her contract, specifically asking for a anatomical and career
changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning
Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem nor The Raggedys, Ann &
Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and
some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle.

I have a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.
Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately
quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my
creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken,"
"Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
considered are: "Go-Go Ken", "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns),
or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests
and, I believe open up markets that have been under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees
would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the
needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely, Ken

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"It's good and well to leave the government in the hands of the perfect man but what happens when the perfect man gets a bellyache?" - Belgarath the Sorceror by David Eddings

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"There are some upon this earth of yours, who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us and all out kith and kin, as if they had never lived. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us."
-- The Ghost of Christmas Present (A Christmas Carol -- Charles Dickens)
http://members.tripod.com/~Bob_Baloo/index.htm

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Death before Dishonor!
However Dishonor has
quite a disputed defintion.