Relationships die. As much as I want the fragile relationship between me and my wife to live, it can not. She has lost faith in me, for my own shortgivings, and has been infidelious. Reason being, we stopped communicating. I don't hate her. But I don't trust her. I have no faith in her. She can not give me what I want most: a commitment. I have too many dark feelings towards her: jealousy, rage, and even vengeance.
And yet, as she has treated me badly, I can not stoop that low. I still give her respect and kindness. I still extend love to her.
But the problem is deeper. I have a daughter with her. My choice is: Leave and hurt my daughter, or stay and remain unhappy. Vicki (my wife) doesn't fully understand the pain a divorce can cause a child. Unlike myself, her parents parted ways after she completed highschool. My parents parted after I completed second f*cking grade. I never knew how much my own parent's divorce hurt me until last year. I was 29 years old. Having thoughts of my own potential divorce and of my parents' divorce, I broke down and cried in a service elevator at work.
It is horrible that we find ourselves in these situations. Do I hurt myself, or Bethany, and her step brother and sister?
And If I decide to hurt them, how do I rationalize it? How do I make it hurt less?
How do I live with a wife that tolerates me but doesn't want me? How do I live with a wife that may choose to be adulterous again?

I truely exist in emotional pain. I see posts here and think, "God, you lucky bastards have it so easy." CC with his petty traitors. Sunspot with his lack of activity. I wish my problems where as simple as those. And I lash out with some hope of falsly easing my pain. But there it is, taunting me, as if Love itself were saying, "You can only taste me, but never have me completely."

I have been a Fool for allowing this to advance this far. But I have been a Fool because I need Love.
And to give up Love may require a strength I do not have.
I want to be loved. And I want to be special.
And these seem to be beyond my grasp. . .

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"There are always bigger tits."

Qui-Gon Jinn in Mos Espa's sleaziest adult nightclub.

I wish I could have some wonderful, perceptive advice to give you. Unfortunately, I do not. Love can be your salvation, but it can also be your undoing. Hang in there, Paul. If you want to talk, send me a mail or an ICQ. I'll be glad to lend a friendly ear.

Don't know if this will offend you, but I will pray for you.

But it takes an entirely different type of strength to stick with things for the betterment of others.

Cargile... I totally believe in saving the marriage for the sake of your children. I know it won't make you very happy ... well, strike that. You may not be happy in your relationship... but you WILL be happy when you see your children's smiling faces and know that you're providing them with a family instead of just a father.
I, too, have felt the pain of watching parents divorce.... My mother is going through her 3rd divorce and I am going through my 3rd father leaving me behind. It was hard on me... and it will be hard on them, too.

As for the relationship with your wife....
Trust takes time.... but faith is something that cannot be built. You either decide you are going to start having faith, or you don't...... It's blind. Your wife has been unfaithfull. So you must decide a few things. Was she sorry? ... If she was, then maybe you should forgive her and try to move on. If she wasn't sorry, then maybe you need to sit her down and make some ground rules or something... you ARE still her husband, and she needs to listen to. It takes two people for a relationship to work out.

In every relationship, there are rough spots, hon.... it's finding the strength to STICK with it
that makes them last. Trust me on this one.....

Try and find something still flickering in the pieces, and fan it... perhaps you CAN rebuild the fire if you can learn to jump blindly, and talk it out.

Send me an email if you need to talk, you can also ICQ me... or whatever. I want you to know that I'm here for ya

And here's a hug.. *HUG*.. you sound like you really need one.

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If I follow you home, will you keep me?

The hardest, cheapest way is just to leave.

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"There are always bigger tits."

Qui-Gon Jinn in Mos Espa's sleaziest adult nightclub.

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"Everything I needed to learn in life I learned from Optimus Prime."

Rule #3 : Whenever someone under you screws up make sure you teach them a lesson more so than you punish them.

I know your pain. I've experienced some of my own like that.

I hope I never fully understand why people reject love in favor of abusive/dysfunctional relationships.

--Baloo

Mrs. Charles Bliss

Reverend Wiley advised me not to divorce him
For the sake of the children,
And Judge Somers advised him the same.
So we stuck to the end of the path.
But two of the children thought he was right,
And two of the children thought I was right.
And the two who sided with him blamed me,
And the two who sided with me blamed him.
And they grieved for the one they sided with.
And all were torn with the guilt of judging,
And tortured in soul because they could not admire
Equally him and me.
Now every gardener knows that plans grown in cellars
Or under stones are twisted and yellow and weak,
And no mother would let her baby suck
Diseased milk from her breast.
Yet preachers and judges advise the raising of souls
Where there is no sunlight, but only twilight,
No warmth, but only dampness and cold--
Preachers and judges!

I know everyone is trying to give councel here, but it is unneeded. I've given all possible actions and outcomes considerable thought. This was a nice place to vent.

Plus my current economic status puts me in the poverty class. Even with two full time incomes. Professional assistance is as remote as buying a house.

Thanks again for the concern.

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"Meesa love yousa long time."

Jar Jar Binks, Vietnam, 1967.