posted
I try to clean up the downstairs family room, just to be nice (for once). I get a cruel response of 'Get the hell out of there, the girls are trying to build fort!'
Then I get kicked out for the weekend.
I finally come back of a weekend of being forced to play N64 and sitting in a sweltering sanctuary while abdominal cramps, and am greeted by the smell of souring milk and sardines. After a shortlived investigation, I find all the milk, shrimp sauce, and sardines spilled in the kitchen and my mom SLEEPING.
Okay, so I collect myself, and make myself some food, then go downstairs to listen to music and veg in 3DS MAX.
After awhile, my dad comes in shouting something about how I am causing the divorce and how my mom is a "Fucking psycho".
Sounds fun, 'eh?
--
I was on ICQ today and got several ICQ notifications of people with birthdays coming up. Knowing how unwanted I felt when i recieved only 5 or so e-cards/msgs concerning a "happy" bday (out of over 100 contacts on my list), I sent someone a "Happy B-Day!" message.
This person comes onlne, and soon I am being interrogated as to why I sent an early greeting concerning the birthday, rather than wait until the actual event.
*!* Maybe, I shouldn't take things so seriously, some people just don't like it when someone sends a card early instead of late (or never). Or maybe, I have some basis for actually caring about how people's birthdays turn out, since the last 5 or 6 of mine were barely noticed by my parents, the several most recent ones, I didn't even get presents or a cake... :[
--
So anyhow, my parents are too busy buying alcohol and taking trips to the casino to buy me my Paxil, which I need for my precious mental stability. (I haven't had any for nearly 8 weeks...) I'm going through withdrawals, and I am getting really sick, with a simple cold taking me out for two days, and it's only the second week of school!
I feel my suicidal urges coming back. I feel as though I need to run away. I feel totally alone. (Most likely because of my lack of true friends, and my non-existant personal/social life) I feel like a failure.
The only thing keeeping me from offing myself is the hope that I can possibly get into Bethel, MTU, or maybe CMU and become a person of some importance...But how long will these hopes last in a situation such as mine?
[If you made it this far and actually read it all, I congratulate you, and apologize for any nausea caused by my whining.]
------------------ "She's never letting me forget, I've always been an idiot" -The Verve Pipe
I don't know what to say except I actually think my problems are easier. Tell ya what Sunspot. You pray for me & I'll pray for you. Anyone else, do what you can. Moral support helps.
posted
Chris: If you have any relatives you can go to, permanantly, this might be a good time. I hope you understand that none of your parents problems stem from you. Drinking and Drugs And gambling (Damn) will do these things to people.
------------------ Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's to dark to read. Groucho Marx
posted
Sounds bad Chris. Hang in there. Move out as soon as ou can. Build your own life.
From the sounds of it (although I could be completly misinterpreting the situation here), your parnet s should get divorced as soon as possilb.e And if your mum was sleeping cause she was drunk, she should get help. You should try and help them, but in the end, they're adults, and it's not your responsibility to fix their lives. Just live your own, and don't make the same mistakes that they have.
------------------ "Why can we never meet anyone nice?" "Why can we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?" -Lister and the cat
posted
Jesus Sunspot, your parents really sound like sickeners. Could I dare speculate that you are under 20? If so, and you are on medication, you don't need anyone here to tell you that something is seriously wrong. You KNOW this, but you have to realise that other peoples problems have the bastard of a habit of intruding in your own private life.
You say your parents are gamblers AND alcos? That's their problem, not yours. You may think that because you're on the receiving end of verbal abuse, you're somehow to blame for it all. You are not. THEY are the ones drinking and gambling and wasting what's left of their lives away. You are not.
In my home town, I know of loads of people with drink problems that had to be sent away to institutions to dry out. Some on my mother's side have an inherent inclination towards drink. Gambling, I don't know much about. I seriously doubted my self-worth when my girlfriend of over 6 months left me. You'll get over that.
Advice? You shouldn't have to put up with that sort of shit in your own home. As Liam said, you'd be better to strike out on your own, ASAP. You said you have college in mind. Aim for that. Make it your goal to get into college, doing something you like. Get the hell out of the hole you're in as soon as finances/schooling/whatever allow.
To hell with them. You don't need their problems or misplaced opinions about your worth upset or affect you. The only respect one needs, ever, is self-respect. Sounds a bit hackneyed, I know. Sorry about that -- hope we're some help. Hang in there.
------------------ The unexplained phenomenon that crippled the U.S.S. Unimpeachable -- Gaseous Anomaly... What anomalises gaseously.
posted
Back when I took neural medicine I also experienced withdrawal a couple of times, with the same symptoms. But know this: Almost everyone who gets suicidal urges like you do are the normal ones: When you feel really depressed and unsatisfied with yourself and your life, that's the normal mental blocks kicking in, transforming the suicide-message into sadness and remorse. The real victims are the ones that just do it. Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Your feelings of loneliness doesn't necessarily stem from just your home-situation. People who have the artistic and creative side have a natural feeling of loneliness, because they are different from others and sometimes haven't gotten the chance to turn the gift into a talent. Your parents doesn't exactly sound like they can see and appreciate your qualities and talents. Being under-stimulated can be VERY painful.
I salute you on your urge to study and be someone. That's a big step from the bottom. I hope you get out of that house of yours soon, because parents feeling miserable have a way of feeding on one's self-confidence. And to treat you like your father did is just inexcuseable.
It can be so difficult to realize that you are not alone, but it is so, so true. I hope this place gives you some of the social stimulation you need. I know it does for me.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
