A: A couple of aspirins and a can of 'fix-a-flat'.
Oh, and the other one is absolutely hilarious, but a little on the 'dirty' side (well ALOT on the dirty side really). I'll hold onto that one for a while - may post it later.
But here's another - really old one...
Q: What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
A: Gifted!
Anyone else have some good jokes they want to share?
posted
Welcome to the forums. Is it Miss or Chris?
I have some anagrams...
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
And here's some politicians...
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
Oh, and this isn't really the place for jokes. The flame board is reserved for posting things controversial or disputed. I guess it will be moved soon, to the officer's lounge. ------------------ Here lies a toppled god, His fall was not a small one. We did but build his pedestal, A narrow and a tall one.
-Tleilaxu Epigram
[This message has been edited by Nimrod (edited December 01, 2000).]
Three characters of differing religious preference enter a business establishment. In order to settle a bet/bar tab/epistemological debate, the three agree to perform an elaborate ceremony based on their religions of choice. Character one performs an action identifiably unique to his or her religion. Character two does likewise. Character three begins to do the same, but finishes with an action that exaggerates an aspect of his or her religion that many find humorous or bizarre or simply different. This exaggeration constitutes the punchline.
posted
Just call me 'Chris' if you please. :-) I've been over in the Officers Lounge for a couple of weeks. Still sort of confused though on some of the stuff in here though. Anyway, I chose to start the thread here because some people are sensitive to some jokes - besides...some of the ones I will eventually tell aren't too 'lady-like'. But, hey - I gotta jump out of character occassionally!
Here's a good example of one of those not-so 'lady-like' jokes...
An extremely overweight man was getting pretty tired of being shunned by the public and decided to see a doctor.
He walks into the doctors office and says... "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm tired of being fat. I can't get a girlfriend and I'm about to lose my job. I've tried every diet in the world and nothing is working!"
The doctor says... "Well, there is this pretty unorthodox diet that seems to work, but it is really strange. You probably aren't going to want to try this one."
The overweight fella says.... "Doctor I'll try anything! I'm desperate!"
The doctor says... "Well okay. From now on, when you feel hungry and want to eat - take the food that you would have eaten and shove it up your rectum into your intestines. That way you won't feel hungry."
The overweight fella says... "You are right doc, that does sound strange. I'm gonna try it anyway."
A couple of months later, the overweight fella comes back to the doctor for a checkup. He has a beautiful blonde on his arm and he's lost 80 pounds. The doctor comes into the office and notices immediately that he's shifting his weight back and forth on his feet and seems to have a happy and excited bounce while doing so.
The doctor says... "Wow! You look great! Did you follow that diet I was telling you about?"
The (now trim) fella says... "Yeah, doctor - I did! It's great. It really works and I feel wonderful!"
The doctor says... "Good. I'm glad it worked for ya, but why are you 'dancing' from one foot to the other?"
The trim fella says... "Oh, I'm just chewing some gum."
[This message has been edited by MsChris (edited December 02, 2000).]
posted
There's an airplane. And its flying, because airplanes fly. And its got a pilot, because -- well, what airplane flies itself?
Anyway, its a little Cessna or something. And its got four passengers -- because passengers are good, because they pay money and fuel and maintenance for the airplane can be purchased with money.
Anyway ...
The four passengers are a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Little Boy.
So, they're flying to wherever it is they're trying to go (and what kind of parent lets his kid on a plane by himself with a priest, especially these days? But it turns out he's a good priest, not one of those sodomizing bastards that's always in the news these days ...)
I'm getting away from the story here.
So the pilot comes back from the cockpit -- altho, its a Cessna, so is there even a cockpit? Anyway, he grabs a parachute, tells his passengers, "engine trouble, we're going down" (because he was a bad pilot and skipped on the afore-mentioned "maintenance" which is a good thing to have done on a regular basis), and jumps.
Now, there were only four parachutes on the plane to begin with. The pilot took one so ... 4-1=3
Problem. Four passengers. Ick.
So the Doctor grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a Doctor! I save lives!" and procedes to save his own by jumping out of the airplane.
The Lawyer says, "I'm the smartest man on Earth!" grabs a 'chute, and jumps.
3-2=1
The Priest hands the Little Boy the last parachute and says, "I have lived a long and happy life, my son. Take this chute and enjoy your life."
For as I said, this was a very good-hearted Catholic Priest and not the type in the tabloids these days ...
But the Little Boy just smiled, "It's okay, Father. The 'smartest man on Earth' just jumped with my backpack."
And that was good for the Little Boy and the Catholic Priest, but bad for the Lawyer (who a second earlier had turned into shish-kabob by hitting the ground at such velocity).
MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things 9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Just Shoot Me 9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi 8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 Achmed's Creek 9:30 No-witness News
---------
One day, an old man is sitting on his front porch, like he always does, when a boy walks by holding a length of wire. The old man, being the cranky kind, yells out: "Hey, kid! Where are you going with that wire?" The kid says, "This isn't just any ol' wire. This is chicken wire, and I'm going to catch me a chicken." The old man laughs and says "You can't catch chickens with wire! Stupid kid." So the kid walks away, and later he comes walking back past the old man's house with a chicken, it's feet bound by the wire.
The next day, the old man sits outside again and the kid comes walking by again, this time holding a role of tape. Again the man shouts to the kid. "Hey, kid! Where are you going with that tape?" The kid answers, "This isn't just any ol' tape, this is duck tape, and I'm going to catch me a duck. "OK, first of all, it's 'duct tape,'" the old man replies, "and second, you can't catch ducks with tape! Stupid kid." So the kid walks away, and later he comes walking back past the old man's house with a duck wrapped up in the tape.
The next day, the old man sits outside again and the kid comes walking by again, this time holding a stick. Once again, the old man heckles the boy. "Hey, kid! Where are you going with that stick?" "This isn't just any ol' stick, this is a pussy willow..." "Hold on, kid." the old man interrupts, "Let me get my hat."
---------
A guy went into a bar with a monkey. The bartender was talking to the guy while his monkey went over to the pool table and started playing with the pool balls. The next thing they knew, the monkey was swallowing the pool balls. The bartender asked the guy why his monkey was eating the pool balls. The guy replied that he eats anything and everything - and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Well, a few days later, the guy came back into the bar with his monkey. This time the monkey stayed at the bar with the guy. While the bartender and the guy were talking, the monkey was picking up peanuts, sticking them up his butt and then eating them. The bartender asked why the monkey was doing this. The guy replied, "After those pool balls the other day, he sizes everything before he swallows it."
---------
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
------------------ Hunt: "You cheated!" Rhade: "It's only cheating if you get caught." -Andromeda, "Double Helix"
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