INT. PARAMOUNT OFFICES - DS9 WRITING STAFF MEETING. AFTERNOON.IRA STEPHEN BEHR is sitting behind a desk. On the couch to the left are RENE ECHEVARRIA and RON MOORE. We join them mid-conversation
BEHR
...But honestly people, we need suggestions.
MOORE
Let's be serious though, Ira, how urgent could the situation be, anyway?
BEHR
Well, Rick says the suits are incensed. (a beat) We're losing Nielsons, guys. The budget for the season finale may be taking a hit...
ECHEVARRIA
Ouch.
MOORE
What sort of numbers are we dealing with?
BEHR
They're pulling in 1.7s.
Moore whistles softly.
MOORE
They've closed within 60% of our ratings already?
BEHR
I know. Scary, huh?
ECHEVARRIA
I'll say. (a beat.) Well, I'm open to suggestions for tweaking my scripts. Maybe we could just hold off for a couple of days and try to flesh them out a bit more?
MOORE
More Klingons? I mean, I could rewrite my current script to feature Klingons swooping in a screaming "get the hell off our planet!"
BEHR
The Risa one?
MOORE
Yeah.
BEHR
I say leave it alone. It's working as-is.
Echevarria nods.
MOORE
What are you leaning towards, Ira?
BEHR
Well, perhaps we should ask ourselves what they've got that we haven't got...
ECHEVARRIA
Koenig.
Behr shakes his head.
BEHR
I've asked. He says he won't do Chekov.
ECHEVARRIA
Then what about a new role? Like, the head of some elite Federation black ops program or something. Something sinister.
MOORE
I like the sound of that... We could call it... Section 28? Something nasty like that.
BEHR
I think we're missing the point. I mean, look who we're up against. He's... well, he's...
ECHEVARRIA
A poet.
BEHR
Exactly.
MOORE (chiming in)
Yeah. He contributed to a compendium of haikus with George Lucas and Chris Carter. Damn, those guys are good.
ECHEVARRIA (resolutely)
It's what we're up against. We've gotta rise to the occasion.
BEHR
Well, um, let's take one of the cast... say, O'Brien, and posess him with an alien virus... and force him to write poetry in his quarters all day and all night...
MOORE (interrupting)
...It could be like an alien legacy story... It could be their Beowulf, their Homer... and the race could be extinct, and the virus could be their little way of ensuring that their cultural history survives...
ECHEVARRIA (interrupting)
The Inner Light, Ron
Moore isn't paying attention
MOORE (continuing)
...But meanwhile, the virus is driving O'Brien insane... and he's about to die... And Bashir finds out a way to remove the virus from his friend's system but is split between doing that and saving O'Brien's life or risking it and seeing whether O'Brien can finish the story.
BEHR
Throw in a B-plot about Worf wanting to adopt a puppy and we might have enough for a two-parter. (a beat.) It might do it. This could be big.
ECHEVARRIA
We could call up the UPN marketing people Voyager uses and make sure we get a real kick-ass promo for it.
BEHR
But...
MOORE (incredulous)
But?
BEHR
...well, the best we could hope for having it ready by would be May Sweeps. We need to implement something now or else there mightn't BE a show by May Sweeps.
The gravity of what he has just said sinks in on the other two. There's a long pasuse, and Echevarria looks up.
ECHEVARRIA
Titles.
BEHR (sternly)
We've been over the entire thing about the drum backbeat before. It's staying.
ECHEVARRIA
No, not the opening credits... episode titles.
MOORE (catching on.)
Theirs kick our ass. I mean, "The Deconstruction of Falling Stars." That's sends shivers down my spine.
Echevarria nods in agreement.
BEHR
Remember when we fought over whether to name it "The Jem'Hadar" or "Dominion"... perhaps we should have gone with something longer. Like...
MOORE
"Let He Who is Without Sin"
BEHR
I like that. From the Bible, right?
MOORE
Yeah... I mean, like, Eris is without sin, but Quark isn't... and Jake and Nog are like the brothers of Simon Peter.
ECHEVARRIA
Well, no use arguing about an epsiode who aired years ago.
BEHR
True enough. But what do you guys say we go all out and put poetic titles on everything? Maybe that'll stop him from stealing any more than a quarter-percent or so more of our audience.
ECHEVARRIA (excitedly)
That might do it...
MOORE
Well, let's start with my Risa episode.
BEHR
I dunno... How about "Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges?"
ECHEVARRIA
No... just doesn't fit the material. How about we save it for later? (a beat.) That biblical one was kinda cool though, Ron...
MOORE
Then "Let He Is Who Without Sin" it is...
END OF ACT I
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"And as it is, it is cheaper than drinking."
-DT on arguing with Omega, April 30