Topic: Star Trek: Nuisance - WIP ($$NEMESIS SPOOF$$)
OnToMars
Now on to the making of films!
Member # 621
posted
The first time I saw Nemesis, I laughed to myself through half of it. Not that I thought it was a horrible movie, but the entire movie, everything was presenting itself to me as a joke as oppossed to a dramatic movie. So as soon as I got home, I wrote down everything that came to mind, and what I ended up with was a fairly comprehensive truncuated version of the movie - a spoof in other words. Combined with my recent shift in aspirations towards movie making, well, I wanna make it. But it's not entirely incomplete. Everything was written from memory and there are obvious large gaps in the plot. But here it is in it's current form. If I can get a hold of a bootlegged copy and watch it at my computer, I could round out the plot. But anyway, here it is currently, comments appreciated. The format is completely informal, as they're just notes, but italicized are scene descriptions and parentheticals are actions.
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In the Senate hall at the beginning.
Romulan Senator Guy: We must make peace with our Reman brothers and unite and together we will be stronger than ever before. And the only way we can join our two species together is by appointing our leader from a different, third race, that we engineered for our own selfish purposes and abandoned for no apparent reason. For surely he has the interests of our two races at heart. The best way to ensure the freedom of our people is to appoint one person to dictate what those freedoms should be and put all of our faith and power into his fucked up little head. THAT is our only hope.
Other Romulan Senator Guy: And you believe it�s this�boy?
Romulan Senator Guy: (beat, then bitterly) I don�t see the comparison.
At the reception in Alaska.
Riker: Hey, it�s Wesley!
Everybody: Wesley! The boy!
Riker: What are you doing here, boy?
(He opens his mouth. The screen changes to black with white letters that read �EDITED FOR TIME�)
Riker: Fascinating! I�m sure that was exciting. But why are you in uniform? Did you join Starfleet again?
(Again, opens mouth, �EDITED FOR TIME�)
Riker: Boy that�s some adventure. Gee, that was right about the time we fought F. Murray Abraham. Sounds like what you did was much more exciting though.
(Again, same thing)
Riker: Oh, you can�t stay? Are you sure? Cause we�re about to head out and I�m sure something�s gonna come up. It is only five minutes into the movie, after all. But you can come along if you want, I�m sure you could help out with the warp�thing. Or the neutron con�verting�
(Same thing)
Riker: Sure we can�t talk you into it?
(Same)
Riker: Well, okay. If you insist. Have fun, Wesley. And if you ever see Ashley Judd again, tell her that the whole premise of �Double Jeopardy� was crap.
(Wesley waves and walks out of the foreground into the background, under a big sign labeled �BACKGROUND� and stands there, still in the frame.)
At the beginning, the first scene on the bridge.
Ensign Kelli: (in door way to Picard) Sir, Ensign Kelli reporting for duty, sir!
Picard: Welcome aboard, Ensign. Always nice to have a new member of the team. Take your position.
Kelli: Aye, sir.
(suddenly a pizza man opens door violently knocking Kelli to the floor and killing him instantly)
Pizzaboy: Anyone order... oh sorry, this is to go to Ten Forward, sorry.
(The bridge crew goes casually back to business. Picard looks at the dead ensign and then at the pizza guy.)
Picard: Want a promotion?
Worf is around again, inexplicably.
Picard: Mr. Worf, what are you doing here? I thought the writers of Deep Space Nine made you the Klingon ambassador?
Worf: That was four years ago. I have since returned from my position as the chief liaison in the strongest and most important alliance in the galaxy to stand around and not really do much.
Picard: But why?
Geordi: If they didn�t bother with an explanation in Insurrection, you think they�re gonna bother with one now?
Picard meets Shinzon
Picard: Hey. You look like Dr. Evil. You�re my mini-me! You�re my mini-me!
Shinzon: That�s it. Just for that, I�m going to destroy your home planet.
They�re fighting the Scimitar
Picard: Mr. Worf, forward attack
Worf: Yes, sir.
(He pushes a big white button labeled, �A BUTTON�)
Picard: Mr. Worf, full aft attack.
Worf: What?
Picard: The other way, Mr. Worf. Go the other way.
Worf: Right, right.
(He pushes a big white button, the same one, labeled, �THE SAME BUTTON�)
(The viewscreen gets blown away. Everybody else stands around, unaffected by the vacuum, not holding on to anything. The helmsman, however is fighting for his life. Riker casually walks up to him and pries his fingers off the console. He flies into the vacuum. Deanna rushes to take over the conn.)
Geordi: Oh no! Remember the last time we let you drive?
Troi: (pouty) I crashed into a planet.
Geordi: That�s right. You�re not driving again. Women CAN�T drive.
Troi: I can too drive! I�m from New Jersey!
Data shows Picard the transporter thing.
Data: It is an emergency transport unit. Geordi gave it to me.
Picard: He only had one?
Data: It is a prototype.
Picard: Prototype my ass. It�s a piece of plastic with an LED!
Data: (shrugs) Meh.
Riker fights the Viceroy in the bowels of the ship. They hit a big ominous looking thing with no purpose.
Riker: What the hell is this thing?
Viceroy: You don�t know?
Riker: Beats the hell outta me. Hey, you know what this reminds me off, that movie Galaxy Quest. Where they�re in the bowels of the ship and there�s this big ominous thing that serves no purpose. Boy that sure was a good movie� (beat) Viceroy: Yeah.
The climax with Picard and Data.
(Data comes into the room with Picard and the dead Shinzon. Data stares at Picard forever and he stares back. After a long long pause, Picard gives Data a little smooch kiss.)
(Data puts the thing on Picard�s chest, he beams away. Intercut between Picard beaming back aboard the Enterprise and Data waiting; Picard taking a shower, Data waiting; Picard reading a book, Data waiting; Picard waking up from a nap, Data waiting)
Data: (dramatically) Goodbye.
(The computer counts down to zero, presently at �A really long time�. Data sits down and starts playing solitaire. Cut to Data knitting.)
Computer: Three�two�better-hurry-up�one�
(Data pulls a phaser and blows the thing away)
On the bridge of the Enterprise: They stare at the screen after the Scimitar blows up.
Troi: Data�
Geordi: It was cooler when Spock died.
Troi: (beat) Yeah�
(Riker comes to the bridge immediately after.)
Riker: Hey guys, what�s going on? Did I miss anything? I just got finished killing the Viceroy. Boy there was a whole bunch of those ugly Roger Corman vampire rip-offs. But I sure licked the one guy. Do you like my beard? Don�t know what happened to the other fellas, though. They just sorta took off. Prolly still down there somewhere�hey, what happened?
Donatra comes over the comm. after the battle.
Donatra: Hey guys. Remember me. Yeah. So listen, I was thinking, maybe it�d be better if we saw other empires. I don�t think this thing�s gonna work out between us. It�s not you, it�s me. But listen, I don�t want this to spoil things between us, okay? We can still be enemies just like before, except, now we�ll have slept together, it doesn�t have to change things�
(Picard makes a motion to cut off the comm.)
The Federation fleet shows up after the battle.
(The nameless commander appears on a computer panel, he�s out of breath)
Commander: Whoah boy. Sorry bout that Jean-Luc. When you didn�t show up at the rendevous we didn�t think anything of it. I mean, all of our ship�s long range sensors weren�t working for some reason. I mean, well, they were, we saw the readings that were like �Huge explosions! Huge explosions!� but we didn�t�hehe. I mean, well, we thought something might be wrong so we tried to call, but all our communications were jammed, so we just assumed everything was okay. Hehe. (beat) I�m new at this.
Running gag; Picard tries to activate the self destruct sequence every five minutes.
The Redshirt that is the helmsman is moronic. He punches at buttons retardely, and can barely string a sentence together.
============================
-------------------- If God didn't want us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Bernoulli's Principle.
Registered: Jun 2001
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-------------------- "That's the problem with nature. Something is always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. lets go watch tv." - Calvin & Hobbes
Registered: Nov 2001
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OnToMars
Now on to the making of films!
Member # 621
posted
Well, two reasons that I didn't put that thing in;
Practically, there's no way I would be able to stage it shooting with no budget.
Humorwise, the whole sequence was so ridiculous to begin with, there's not much funny to be derived.
-------------------- If God didn't want us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Bernoulli's Principle.
Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
All then proceed to fall in love with a girl. Naturally.
-------------------- "I was surprised by the matter-of-factness of Kafka's narration, and the subtle humor present as a result." (Sizer 2005)
Registered: Mar 1999
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OnToMars
Now on to the making of films!
Member # 621
posted
It took me a couple seconds to get that, Tom. But that's not an entirely bad idea. All the action sequences; essentially the dune buggy chase and the space battle to be done stop motion with legos. And of course set to, "Fell in Love With a Girl".
Of course, the real logistical problem are figuring out sets and costumes, and that's the one to push it into the realm of probably not going to happen. And that's beside the problem of scheduling this around the production of the play (basically it'd be my college theater company doing this) and the guy in the theater company who's shooting his feature (read: approx. 30 minutes) film this semester.
But if anybody knows a way to cheaply obtain starfleet uniforms, perferably illfitting ones, or how to make a recongnizable bridge ultra cheaply, such knowledge would be greatly appreciated.
The bright side is I know who I'd cast for almost every part!
-------------------- If God didn't want us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Bernoulli's Principle.
Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Ask those Voyager fan-film kids. They have terrible uniforms, and seem to be playing against a bluescreen, on which they projected crappy bridge-shots.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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