posted
Hello everybody! I'm new here, and i want to post a first part of the first adventure of Fyukiz and Ram. - the heroes that will save the universe from all that is funny, weird and deadly. I hope to gain some feedback here, so please write back to me on what you think. Even if it's bad. I think i can take it. But do remember, this is only a sketch, not finished work. I hope you all will enjoy it!
In this part you will meet the Thaluuztans. The most fearsome race in the universe!
THE WILD ADVENTURES OF FYUKIZ AND RAM
INTRODUCING: THALUUZTA; SCUM OF THE UNIVERSE
Somewhere in space, in unknown time and place, a dark and menacing ship, shaped like a gigantic carousel drifted onwards on invisible winds of space. Thaluuzta; the most dangerous species in the galaxy, under the command of overlord Carton were the horrors of the known worlds and some of the unknown worlds as well. Those that heard about them from those few lucky enough survivors who managed to escape their clutch, now shake on the sight of the carousel on their flags as they jump into the systems, wrecking havoc to anyone and anything, leaving no one and no thing behind, except during those times when they aren't that systematic or just tired. Today it was the opposite. Today they were bored�
Are we going to make a jump today? Carton screamed into communication box. Yessir Mr. overlord sir! Install the hyperdrivers! We don't have hyperdrivers installed? Carton asked surprisingly. The short alien raised his eyes toward the overlord. His big head was sweaty as he mumbled. Mr. Overlord, sir� - he began � the system we recently installed has crushed and turned all monitors into blue screens. It petrified the ship! This is why we are drifting now. Carton's eyes turned red with anger. You told me that this system was better than the last one! You told me it is the perfect system! Unbreakable! Uncrushable! And now you're telling me we're drifting like dead carcass in space? What about life support system? I personally installed the penguin backup system, sir! This is the only reason why we're still alive! The short alien replied with pride. You did well Gangas. How goes the installation progress in technical? Gangas took the communication device and checked. We are on 59 percent sir, and going! In mere 6 hours we will be ready to install the hyperdrivers. Hmm����������������� very well Gangas. But remember, I'm bored! If I won't jump and tear a star, I'll tear you instead!
6 hours later Look at this beauty! Look at these screens and the way the mouse moves over the internet! What speed, what smooth moves! This is a baby super computer, I love it! Overlord Carton returned to the bridge. Is it over? Yessir! It's over! All done! Technical installed the new system and downloaded all the updates from the internet. All systems are online and ready to go! Then go already! Carton rushed him. Preparing for jump! All members, we are ready to jump! A female stewardess came on board the bridge. Good day passengers of the Thaluuzta superior destroyer class interstellar ship. We are about to jump into a random system and destroy it. So please be seated in your designated chairs and don't forget to lock yourselves. Remember, last person who forgot to lock himself to the chair was never found, although his remains are probably scattered over 10 different dimensions. Another note: If you are experiencing any glitches, report immediately to technical. Our technical support team will be glad to help you survive the trip. If you don't survive the trip and find yourselves suddenly drifting in space due to dimensional shifts; your bodies being torn and your inner organs explode due to vacuum of space, please sign now right here that we are not responsible for your violent deaths and that all valuables you own will be transferred to Thaluuztan universal devastation effort. If there is a hull breach and we all suck into space and die a horrible death with no chance for survival, pray, and may god help us all.
Would you like the honors, sir? Gangas asked. Sure, why not. Maybe this time, if I do it, less than 150 Thaluuztans die a violent and horrible death like every jump you make. Carton pushed the big red button on his chair and the ship shaken violently and disappeared with a flash.
The ship cast itself into the hyperspace, tearing through the fabric of space. At first moment the lifeless darkness of space turned multicolored on the other side of the frontal windowpane, then, as the ship suddenly pushed forward by immense force, everything turned into infinite colorful lights. The sight was spectacular. Carton thought. If I wasn't a Thaluuztan overlord, breed for destroying planets on daily basis, I would have been a jump ship pilot� living in the vastness of hyperspace for the rest of my life. Suddenly a small object appeared in front of them, heading their way. Sir! Gangas heard from his communication box. Yes? What is it? The voice from the other side of the box was terrified. There is an unknown object heading this way. We are about to collide with it! Gangas looked outside through the windowpane. Indeed there was an object heading this way. Hmm� Mr. Overlord�?! Yes, Gangas, what's now? Carton asked. Well, I don't know how to put it, but there is an object heading our way with a high possibility of collision. Is it a star? Carton's eyes glared with hope. I hope it's a star, and a worthy one of destroying, by me! I hope it's a star� Sir? Gangas's voice turned serious. You know, if it's a star, then we are surely doomed, done for good, dead with hope, finished. It will pass through us like a knife through butter, like blood thirsty badass Thaluuztan through a star, though�- Okay! I got the picture! Set course to avoid the object. It's not possible, Overlord, sir! Another voice went out of the communication box. Okay, who's the wise guy that just spoke? A hand rose from the bridge. Good. Check this out, Gangas. Carton smiled devilishly. Get over here, wise guy. Yessir! The officer unlocked himself from the chair and took some steps toward his master. Then, with a moment of realization he turned back and then looked around him. Everyone was silent and somebody waved him goodbye. Oh shit. He managed to whisper before he disappeared from the bridge. This is the reason why wise guys like him will never be overlords like me. He's probably scattered over ten dimensions by now! He grinned. The object on the other side was close now than before. Sir, Gangas said. The wise guy was right in a way. Okay, Gangas, you're not a wise guy, so I'll listen. Go ahead. Well, as you may know laws of physics and astro-physics have no effect in hyperspace. For example, a small and seemingly meaningless object can be morphed � theoretically speaking of course, into a size of our ship or maybe even larger! Another thing is that even if we change course, because time and space are meaningless here, we may never actually move to another location and the object will continue its course of collision as if we did nothing. On the other hand, if we won't change course we might be able to survive it by passing right through it as if the object was never there! This happens� - oh well, its too complicated anyway. Sir? What do you want to do now? What is the distance between us and the object? 500.000 kilometers and approaching, sir! Wait a minute; shouldn't it already have to hit us? After all, we're flying thrice the speed of light here� 499.824 kilometers and closing. Oh, this is one of those time distortions. It's a time distortion, people! Do not worry! We're not dead yet! Then the object suddenly disappeared. And this is, gentlemen, is a space distortion. Carton managed to say when the ship trembled ferociously and something unidentifiable crushed on the front windowpane with a powerful splash. It waved with its hand and his mouth pronounced a silent 'hello' and something resembling to 'hey, don't you worry; I'm fine, it happens to me all the time.' Carton glared on the thing on his windowpane and didn't understand anything. We are pulling out of the hyperspace, sir! Gangas announced and the ship suddenly stopped, sending the crushed thing into the vastness of space. Hey! Thanks for the ride! The thing gestured before it disappeared, and then out of the shadows a blooming star appeared. Carton eyes opened wide with devilish grin. Finally� He whispered to himself. Raise the flags and polish your jaws! Boring time is over; it is time to have some fun! The immense dark and menacing carousel ship raised the horrifying Thaluuztan flags and start heading toward its next planetary victim�
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posted
Well, it is merely the beginning of the story. Recently i began writing the second part of the story where we discover that it's the 60th century.
and i'm sorry if it looks like an odd first post. i'm new to these forums, so i don't know how to make an impressive first post. maybe next time i'll try to do better. anyway, thanks.
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posted
(I got a Lensman vibe, though all my Lensman knowledge is third- or fourth-hand. But, like: Hey, here is some verbage that is just lying around!)
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
(I'm gonna tell Aunt Mary about Uncle John, he claims he has the misery but he has a lot of fun)
Fyukiz, if you are seriously going to write a story, you need to separate speeches and lines from people either with quotation marks or hyphens. It's annoying to not get clear distinctions, it makes everything sound like the book centers around you reading loud from another book, in the book. Am I making sense?
For example: Are we going to make a jump today? Carton screamed into the communication box.
instead
"Are we going to make a jump today?", Carton screamed into the communication box.
or
Carton screamed into the communication box. - Are we going to make a jump today?
Another example;
It's a time distortion, people! Do not worry! We're not dead yet! Then the object suddenly disappeared. And this is, gentlemen, is a space distortion.
People will go crazy having to discern what is dialogue and what is authorial observations in passages like these.
About the plot, you seem to have some idea of a semiinteresting Douglas Adams/David Weber fantasy, it may bear reading in the future. Keep it up, and remember that less is more, except for Jerry Lewis and Richard Bagg.
Registered: Aug 1999
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Fyukiz
Ex-Member
posted
Hey, thanks for the comment. Usually i write in the right way, but this time i tried to write freely. All of my other stories are marked with the quotation marks. I will post them once i translate them to english.
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Fyukiz
Ex-Member
posted
This is the rewritten version of the story.
THE WILD ADVENTURES OF FYUKIZ AND RAM
ON ONE INTERESTING DAY Brought to you by Edward Levin
Somewhere in space, in unknown time and place, a dark and menacing ship, shaped like a gigantic carousel drifted onwards on invisible winds of space. Thaluuzta; the most dangerous species in the galaxy, under the command of overlord Carton were the horrors of the known worlds and some of the unknown worlds as well. Those that heard about them from those few lucky enough survivors who managed to escape their clutch, now shake on the sight of the carousel on their flags as they jump into the systems, wrecking havoc to anyone and anything, leaving no one and no thing behind, except during those times when they aren't that systematic or just tired. Today it was the opposite. Today they were bored�
"Are we going to make a jump today?" Carton screamed into communication box. "Yessir Mr. overlord sir! Install the hyperdrivers!" "We don't have hyperdrivers installed?" Carton asked surprisingly. The short alien raised his eyes toward the overlord. His big head was sweaty as he mumbled. "Mr. Overlord, sir� - he began � the system we recently installed has crushed and turned all monitors into blue screens. It petrified the ship! This is why we are drifting now." Carton's eyes turned red with anger. "You told me that this system was better than the last one! You told me it is the perfect system! Unbreakable! Uncrushable! And now you're telling me we're drifting like dead carcass in space? What about life support system?" "I personally installed the penguin backup system, sir! This is the only reason why we're still alive!" The short alien replied with pride. "You did well Gangas. How goes the installation progress in technical?" Gangas took the communication device and checked. "We are at 59 percent sir, and going! In mere 6 hours we will be ready to install the hyperdrivers." "Hmm����������������� very well Gangas. But remember, I'm bored! If I won't jump and tear a star, I'll tear you instead!"
6 hours later "Look at this beauty! Look at these screens and the way the mouse moves over the internet! What speed, what smooth moves! This is a baby super computer, I love it!" Overlord Carton returned to the bridge. "Is it over?" "Yessir! It's over! All done! Technical installed the new system and downloaded all the updates from the internet. All systems are online and ready to go!" "Then go already!" Carton rushed him. "Preparing for jump! All members, we are ready to jump!" A female stewardess came on board the bridge. "Good day passengers of the Thaluuzta superior destroyer class interstellar ship. We are about to jump into a random system and destroy it. So please be seated in your designated chairs and don't forget to lock yourselves. Remember, last person who forgot to lock himself to the chair was never found, although his remains are probably scattered over 10 different dimensions. Another note: If you are experiencing any glitches, report immediately to technical. Our technical support team will be glad to help you survive the trip. If you don't survive the trip and find yourselves suddenly drifting in space due to dimensional shifts; your bodies being torn and your inner organs explode due to vacuum of space, please sign now right here that we are not responsible for your violent deaths and that all valuables you own will be transferred to Thaluuztan universal devastation effort. If there is a hull breach and we all suck into space and die a horrible death with no chance for survival, pray, and may god help us all."
"Would you like the honors, sir?" Gangas asked. "Sure, why not. Maybe this time, if I do it, less than 150 Thaluuztans die a violent and horrible death like every jump you make." Carton pushed the big red button on his chair and the ship shaken violently and disappeared with a flash.
The ship cast itself into the hyperspace, tearing through the fabric of space. At first moment the lifeless darkness of space turned multicolored on the other side of the frontal windowpane, then, as the ship suddenly pushed forward by immense force, everything turned into infinite colorful lights. The sight was spectacular. Carton thought. 'If I wasn't a Thaluuztan overlord, breed for destroying planets on daily basis, I would have been a jump ship pilot� living in the vastness of hyperspace for the rest of my life.' Suddenly a small object appeared in front of them, heading their way. "Sir!" Gangas heard from his communication box. "Yes? What is it?" The voice from the other side of the box was terrified. "There is an unknown object heading our way. We are about to collide with it!" Gangas looked outside through the windowpane. Indeed there was an object heading this way. "Hmm� Mr. Overlord�?" "Yes, Gangas, what's now?" Carton asked. "Well, I don't know how to put it, but there is an object heading our way with a high possibility of collision." "Is it a star? Carton's eyes glared with hope. I hope it's a star, and a worthy one of destroying, by me! I hope it's a star�" "Sir?" Gangas's voice turned serious. "You know, if it's a star, then we are surely doomed, done for good, dead with no hope, finished. It will pass through us like a knife through butter, like blood thirsty badass Thaluuztan through a star, though�-" "Okay! I got the picture! Set course to avoid the object." "It's not possible, Overlord, sir!" Another voice went out of the communication box. "Okay, who's the wise guy that just spoke?" A hand rose from the bridge. "Good. Check this out, Gangas." Carton smiled devilishly. "Get over here, wise guy." "Yessir!" The officer unlocked himself from the chair and took some steps toward his master. Then, with a moment of realization he turned back and then looked around him. Everyone was silent and somebody waved him goodbye. "Oh shit." He managed to whisper before he disappeared from the bridge. "This is the reason why wise guys like him will never be overlords like me. He's probably scattered over ten dimensions by now!" He grinned. The object on the other side was close now than before. "Sir, Gangas said. The wise guy was right in a way." "Okay, Gangas, you're not a wise guy, so I'll listen. Go ahead." "Well, as you may know laws of physics and astro-physics have no effect in hyperspace. For example, a small and seemingly meaningless object can be morphed � theoretically speaking of course, into a size of our ship or maybe even larger! Another thing is that even if we change course, because time and space are meaningless here, we may never actually move to another location and the object will continue its course of collision as if we did nothing. On the other hand, if we won't change course we might be able to survive it by passing right through it as if the object was never there! This happens� - oh well, its too complicated anyway. Sir? What do you want to do now?" "What is the distance between us and the object?" "500.000 kilometers and approaching, sir!" "Wait a minute; shouldn't it already have to hit us? After all, we're flying thrice the speed of light here�" "499.824 kilometers and closing." "Oh, this is one of those time distortions. It's a time distortion, people! Do not worry! We're not doomed yet!" Then the object suddenly disappeared. "And this is, gentlemen, is a space distortion." Carton managed to say when the ship trembled ferociously and something unidentifiable crushed on the front windowpane with a powerful splash. It waved with its hand and his mouth pronounced a silent 'hello' and something resembling to 'hey, don't you worry; I'm fine, it happens to me all the time.' Carton glared on the thing on his windowpane and didn't understand anything. "We are pulling out of the hyperspace, sir!" Gangas announced and the ship suddenly stopped, sending the crushed thing into the vastness of space. 'Hey! Thanks for the ride!' The thing gestured before it disappeared, and then out of the shadows a blooming star appeared. Carton's eyes opened wide with devilish grin. "Finally�" He whispered to himself. "Raise the flags and polish your jaws! Boring time is over; it is time to have some fun!" The immense dark and menacing carousel ship raised the horrifying Thaluuztan flags and start heading toward its next planetary victim�
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