Yeah, I know I said TSN was going to do the next one, but I got bored. 
Anyway...
Star Trek: Series ?
Episode 13: In the Shadow of Earth
"Captain's Log, Stardate... Well, maybe if my watch would stop spinning backwards, I could tell you what the stardate is! Anyway, Lt. Ducane has determined that whatever caused the Borg to assimilate everyone in the universe is now at 20th Century Earth, so we are on our way there."
"Yes, thanks to my excellent control of the helm!"
"Sulu, we all know you're there, you don't need to hog screentime by making obvious comments."
"Yes, sir."
Captain Braxton turned to Ducane. "Lt. Ducane, one thing still bothers me about this whole thing..."
"That fact that we don't know who caused the damage to the timeline?"
"No, the fact that the title for this episode is awful! 'In the Shadow of Earth?' What kind of a title is that?"
"I think it was supposed to be a takeoff on the Babylon 5 episode 'In the Shadow of Z'Ha'Dum,' sir."
"Hmm... You know, Earth just doesn't have the same effect that Z'Ha'Dum does."
"No, sir, it doesn't."
***
Meanwhile, in the Relativity's shuttlebay, a very exhausted Gul Dukat lurched into the room, still carrying the console with the Mysterious Red Button on it on his back. "Okay, we're at the shuttlebay. Can I put you down now?"
Well... No.
"Aw... Well, which shuttle should we take?"
I decree that we should take that one over in the corner!
"Wait a minute... USS Enterprise NCC-1701-Z? The Enterprise of the 29th Century is a shuttle?"
Well, all the Enterprises after the Enterprise-E stunk, so eventually they just used the name for shuttles.
"Oh... Well, whatever you say..."
***
Meanwhile, back on the Relativity's bridge, alarms started going off.
Captain Braxton jumped up from his chair. "Sulu, are you going over the speed limit again?"
Ducane shook his head. "Sir, that's not a police siren, that's the red alert klaxon."
"Oh, uh, you're right, Ducane. Well, what's going on, Lt. Yar?"
Yar checked her panel. "It seems as though there was an unauthorized shuttle launch."
"There was? I thought that was Voyager's plot device..."
"Should we persue, sir?"
"Nah... I'm sure whoever stole it had a good reason to do so."
"Actually, sir, it was stolen by Dukat and the Mysterious Red Button, and they left a note behind stating specifically that they were going to use the shuttle for evil purposes..."
"Well, I'm sure that was just a red herring. Continue on our present course."
***
Meanwhile, back at 20th Century Earth, the evil crew of the evil Excelsior prepared to do battle with the approaching Relativity...
Old Captain Braxton sat in the captain's chair. "Dark Helmet, is my evil crew of my evil ship AAAAAAAAH!"
"Sir, what's wrong?"
"I guess this stupid Borg implant in my head even goes off when I repeat what the narrator says!"
"What Borg implant?"
"Back when we were trying to destroy Voyager, Seven of Nine used her nanoprobes to create an implant in Young Captain Braxton's brain that would cause extreme pain when he repeated anything anyone had just said. And since A leads to B, and B leads to C..."
"I've had enough of your technobabble! I get the point!"
***
Meanwhile, on one of the Excelsior's lower decks, Young Psycho Braxton and Old Psycho Braxton began a plot twist of their own...
"You know what? I'm tired of Old Captain Braxton being in charge while we just sit by and do nothing! What do you think?"
"VOYAGER GO BOOM!"
"Patience, my friend... We'll get to that eventually. But for now, I have a plan of my own... Bwahahahaha!"
Off in the distance, the voice of Galvatron was heard. "I heard that! Is someone trying to take my job again?"
***
At the moment, the Relativity emerged from the timestream...
"Dax! Tell us what's going on out there!"
"I'm Jadzia, not Dax! No symbiont! Dumb as rock! Remember?"
"You know, I'm getting really tired of these summaries! Yes, its been a long time since the last episode, but I'm sure the audience remembers these things!"
"Alright, alright... No need to get cranky... Anyway, there's that thing out there. You know, that thing with the people we don't like..."
"The Excelsior?"
"Yeah, the Excelsior."
"Drat! I thought we finished them off!"
Yar piped up. "Well, sir, I would have finished them off if Dukat hadn't pushed the Mysterious Red Button and..."
"What did I say about summaries, Lt. Yar?"
"Oops... Sorry."
"Anyway, let's take them out now! Fire all weapons!"
So, the Relativity and the Excelsior bombarded each other with phasers and photon torpedoes, but neither ship's shields fell.
Captain Braxton threw a fit. "We nearly beat them last time! What's wrong now?"
Ducane said, "Well, sir, since they had such horrible shields, they probably went to Crazy Khan's House of Shields, and got some new ones."
"You know, when this is all said and done, remind me to go and blow up Khan."
"Yes, sir. Well, since attacking the Excelsior isn't doing any good, perhaps we should hail them?"
"Well, okay... Open a channel!"
The Excelsior's bridge came onscreen. Old Captain Braxton sneered. "Well, if it isn't Young Captain Braxton..."
Young Captain Braxton sneered back. "Let's cut to the chase! What have you done to the timeline?"
"No matter what you do, I'll never tell you that we sank the Bounty, therefore ensuring that Kirk will never return to the future with humpback whales!"
"Hmm... Well, in that case, it could take us forever to figure out what you did..."
Ducane poked Young Captain Braxton's shoulder. "Sir, he just did tell us what he did to the timeline."
"He did? Oh yeah, he did! Thanks for the info, suckers!"
Braxton closed the channel. "Alright, people, let's save history!"
Next time on Star Trek: Series ?, the crew of the Relativity try to raise the sunken Bounty while the crew of the Excelsior try to stop them! Oh, and there are some other subplots thrown in for good measure...
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It has been brought to my attention that I need a new signature. Unfortunately, I don't happen to have a new one handy since no one's been by TrekSunday in a while to make witty or otherwise amusing comments. Don't you feel guilty now? ;)
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