Episode 34: The Al-ternative Factor

"Evil Captain's Evil Log: We are still stuck in the Babylon 5 universe, but things are looking up for us. Zathras knew of somewhere we could sell off some of that technology we raided from the Great Machine, so we're rolling in money! As we near the planet known as Brig'Ha'Dun, I've decided to give my crew some shore leave. Therefore, we've stopped at the Z'Ha'Dum Shopping Mall, which was built on the site where the planet used to be. Of course, their motto is 'If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will buy!'"

***

Dmitri Valtane finally caught up to Janice Rand, who was walking along and looking in shop windows. "There you are, Rand! What are you up to?"

"Oh, looking for something to buy you..."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will lie!"

"Okay, you got me... So, are you going to give me that Kosh action figure you bought for me?"

"How did you know I got you one?"

"If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will spy!"

So, Valtane handed over the action figure. "Well, let's be getting back to the Excelsior. This place is too hot!"

"Well, you know what they say..."

"If you go to Z'Ha'Dum, you will fry?"

"Exactly."

And so, the two walked back to the ship together, knowing full well that their actions would inevitably lead to the creation of Valtane/Rand 'shippers...

***

Meanwhile, back on the Excelsior, Evil Braxton was in his quarters consulting the Apocalypse Box...

"So this Brig'Ha'Dun place isn't too much farther?"

No, not much farther.

"Excellent! Almost all the crew is back from shore leave, so we'll be able to leave soon."

Are you sure you want to go home?

"Of course I am! The Federation is a bunch of smoking ashes now, and I want to go home and savor the destruction like a true evil villain! Just out of curiosity, why do you ask?"

Oh, no reason...

***

Meanwhile, back in the Star Trek universe, the Relativity was continuing its search for the alternate timeline villains unleashed by the Excelsior's temporal shockwave.

Ducane arrived on the bridge to find Braxton napping in his chair. "Wake up, sir!"

Braxton was startled. "What? What's going on? Did we find another one of those bad guys?"

"No, sir."

"When are we going to run into another one of those guys, anyway? It's been a while since I fixed the whole Annorax problem..."

Sulu muttered, "You fixed it? You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag..."

Braxton, not having heard Sulu's remark, settled back into his chair. "So, what is the problem, Ducane?"

"No problem, sir. It's just that its against Starfleet regulations for the commanding officer to sleep on the bridge."

"That's a stupid rule!"

"No, it isn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, okay. If you say so..."

Dax interrupted the captain. "Sir, I'm picking up a powerful subspace signature from a nearby system."

"Yeah, yeah. Wake me up when you figure out what it is..."

"Actually, sir. I've already figured out what it is. A planet just popped out of nowhere!"

"Big deal. It's been done before. I'm sure you remember 'Meridian,' Dax."

"Yes, but this planet is sending out a Starfleet distress signal!"

"Hmm... Is it the Excelsior?"

"Negative, sir."

"Well, set a course for the planet. Maximum hyperwarp!"

***

Back in the Babylon 5 universe, the Excelsior finally reached the end of its journey. However, something was very wrong...

"What do you mean there's no planet here?"

Valtane pointed at the viewscreen. "I mean there's no planet here, sir! Look for yourself!"

Sure enough, there were no planets in the system. Evil Braxton began to bash the Apocalypse Box against a bulkhead. "You said there would be something here, you obnoxious storage device!"

If you would OW! stop bashing me OW! against the wall OW! for a second and OW! look outside you'd OW! see it OW!

Valtane confirmed it. "Sir, there's a planet coming out of a subspace inversion!"

"Is there anything on it that can send us home?"

"I'm picking up massive subspace signals down there. It could indicate some sort of dimensional gateway. I'm also picking up some sort of distress signal down there."

"Not for long! We found this planet first! Whoever's down there can leave!"

"Actually, sir, whoever is down there found it first."

"Shut up, Valtane! Can we beam down?"

"Under normal circumstances, no. However, since we have no shuttlecraft, and the story would be a dead end if we couldn't get down there, we can."

"Excellent. Everyone get to Transporter Room 1!"

***

Back in the Star Trek universe, Captain Braxton and the rest of the senior staff beamed down the planet's surface. Everyone began scanning for the source of the distress signal.

Braxton cheered. "I finally did it!"

Ducane came over. "You found the source of the distress signal with your tricorder?"

"Tricorder? I thought we were all playing with our Game Boys... I just beat Super Mario Bros!"

However, they didn't have to scan any longer, for someone was running up to them. Captain Braxton shouted out to him. "Hello! We're here to rescue you!"

The person shouted back, "Great! You know, the Russians inwented greetings!"

Braxton froze in fear. "Ducane, please tell me that is not who I think it is..."

"I'm afraid I can't, sir."

Finally, the man was close enough that they could see who he was. It was... (like you don't know already) Pavel Chekov!

"I've finally been rescued! You know, the Russians inwented rescues..."

"Chekov? Shouldn't you be dead by now?"

"No. This planet appears for one day every hundred years. I was on my way to enjoy my retirement when the planet appeared and I crashed into it!"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go..."

"Wait! We can't go! He'll come through!"

"He? Who's he? And come through what?"

"I'll show you. Follow me..."

Chekov lead them all to a cave where he'd set up camp. Inside was a strange gatelike device. "I have been the only one standing between him and here!"

Ducane interrupted. "Why don't you start from the beginning?"

"Fine. When I crashed here, I found this device. Hoping it would take me somewhere else, I entered the gateway. Inside, I found him! He's trying to get to our universe, to wreak havoc!"

"What's he look like?"

"Exactly like me, except he's dressed all in black, and he's evil. And he was definitely not Russian!"

"Hmm... Looks exactly like Chekov, dressed in black, evil, and not Russian... Who could that possibly be?"

***

"Chekov?"

"My name is not Chekov. It's Bester. Alfred Bester."

Evil Braxton looked skeptical. "Are you sure? You look just like Chekov..."

"I am not Chekov!"

"Okay, okay. So, uh, are there any interdimensional tunnels, portals, vortices, or anything of the sort around here?"

"As a matter of fact, there's an interdimensional gateway over in the cave I've been living in for the past few centuries."

"Centuries? Shouldn't you be dead by now?"

"You have a hamster for a helmsman, and you're trying to tell me what makes sense?"

"Point taken. I don't suppose we could use this gateway?"

"Sure, but we'll have to get by him..."

"Him?"

"Yes, this annoying little man who looks just like me, except that he speaks in a horrible Russian accent and claims the Russians invented everything."

"Aha! That's Chekov! So the gateway does lead back to our universe! Quick, everybody, to the Batcave!"

***

"Okay, okay. We'll take care of this evil non-Russian Chekov clone, then we'll take you off this planet."

"Excellent! Everybody through the portal!"

***

"Okay, okay. We'll take care of Chekov, and then we'll take you into our universe. But, are you really sure you want to go there? I mean, we destroyed everything there..."

"Yes, I'm sure! Everybody through the portal!"

***

In the interdimensional corridor, the two crews finally came face to face...

Evil Braxton stepped forward. "Captain Braxton? I thought we left you in the clutches of the giant squid!"

Rand came up and whispered in Evil Braxton's ear, "Black hole, sir."

"Right... We left you in the clutches of the black hole! And how did your crew survive? We blew up the galaxy!"

Captain Braxton laughed. "No, you didn't blow up the galaxy. In fact, your little explosion altered the black hole's gravitational field, allowing me to escape!"

"Yeah, well, at least your Borg implant is gone!"

"Nope, it's growing back. Dr. Frankenstein forgot to filter the nanoprobes out of my bloodsteam."

Evil Braxton whacked Frankenstein upside the head. "At least tell me we blew something up!"

"Nope. Although the shockwave did allow villains from alternate timelines to enter our universe to cause mayhem and chaos..."

"Well, this is certainly a letdown... Well, we can make up for it by killing all of you, stealing your ship, and then blowing up the galaxy the right way!"

"I'm not going to allow that to happen, Evil Braxton! Neither you, your crew, or the Chekov wannabe are ever entering our universe ever again!"

With that, everyone drew their weapons and prepared to have a firefight which would drain the special effects budget for the remainder of the season. However, that didn't happen. Instead, Alex Trebek appeared out of nowhere.

Captain Braxton rubbed his eyes in disbelief. "Alex Trebek? What are you doing here? And shouldn't you be dead?"

"I am not Alex Trebek! I am Alex Qbek!"

"Like the province?"

"No, not like the province! I am the Q Continuum's premiere game show host, and guardian of this corridor linking the Star Trek universe and the Babylon 5 universe!"

Evil Braxton interrupted him. "That's nice and all, but we were just about to do a whole lot of slaughtering..."

"Silence! There will be no fighting in my corridor! Instead, we will settle the matter my way!"

And so, Alex Qbek snapped his fingers...

***

All of a sudden, everyone except Captain Braxton, Evil Braxton, Chekov, and Bester were in the audience seats at the set of Jeopardy. An announcer's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Now entering the studio are today's contestants! He's the most inept captain in Starfleet history, please welcome Captain Braxton!"

Captain Braxton walked over to his podium, waving to the audience.

"He's the amalgam of three different future evil versions of Captain Braxton, please welcome Evil Braxton!"

Evil Braxton walked over to his podium, waving to the audience.

"He's a famous Starfleet officer who thinks the Russians invented everything, please welcome Pavel Chekov!"

Chekov walked over... well, you get the idea...

"He's a high-ranking member of the Psi Corps obsessed with ruling mundanes, please welcome Alfred Bester!"

Bester yadda yadda yadda podium blah blah blah waving.

"And here's the host of Q Continuum Jeopardy, Alex Qbek!"

Qbek came in waving to everyone. Evil Braxton held up his hand. Qbek rolled his eyes. "What is it, Evil Braxton?"

"I thought Jeopardy only had three contestants."

"Shut up! We're playing by Q Continuum rules! Anyway, today's winner will decide how the corridor will be used. Let's start the game by revealing our categories!"

Wells-class Timeships
Telepathy
Famous Despots
Time Travel
Lookalikes
Things Chekov Says the Russians Invented, But Really Didn't
Potpourri

***

The four competed with all of their brainpower (such as it was), until the end of Double Jeopardy...

Qbek sighed. "At the end of Double Jeopardy, Bester is ahead with -$47, Evil Braxton is next with -$470, Chekov has -$4700, and Captain Braxton is last with -$47000. I feel like I'm in a Saturday Night Live sketch... Anyway, since you're all in the red, you'll all be allowed to play Final Jeopardy! The category is..."

Series ?

"Decide what you will wager now..."

The four contestants each wrote an amount of money on their screens. When they had all finished, Qbek read the final answer. "When last seen, where was Commander Chakotay?"

A minute later, they had all written something down. Qbek walked over to the contestants. "Let's start with you, Mr. Bester. What did you write down?"

"Where is in a Psi Corps reeducation facility?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. That is in correct. What did you wager?"

"A billion dollars."

"How about you, Evil Braxton?"

"What is Voyager?"

"That is also incorrect. How much did you wager?"

"A billion dollars."

"Chekov?"

"What is Russia?"

"Nope. How much did you wager?"

"A billion dollars."

"Why did you all wager a billion dollars?"

"You mean this isn't 'Who Wants to be a Billionaire?'"

"No, it isn't! Captain Braxton, what was your response?"

"What is Risa?"

"That is correct!"

"Really? I just made a wild guess..."

"How much did you wager?"

"A trillion dollars!"

"I won't even ask why... You are the winner! How will the corridor be used?"

"We should let the Excelsior crew and Bester through the gateway to destroy the galaxy!"

Ducane shouted from the audience, "No, you imbecile! You want the Excelsior crew and Bester back in the Babylon 5 universe and the gateway closed forever!"

"Oh yeah... What he said."

And so, Qbek snapped his fingers.

***

The Relativity crew and Chekov found themselves back on the Relativity's bridge. Captain Braxton breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, we finally know what happened to the Excelsior crew. Not only that, but they're stuck in the Babylon 5 universe forever!"

Ducane shook his head. "Perhaps not, sir. They found one way back here, they could find another someday."

"Anyway, set a course for Starbase 47 so we can drop off Chekov. Maximum hyperwarp!"

And of course, Chekov had to chime in, "The Russians inwented hyperwarp..."

***

Likewise, the Excelsior crew and Bester found themselves back on the Excelsior. Evil Braxton began ranting. "I can't believe this! We didn't destroy the Federation, we didn't kill Captain Braxton, and we're still stuck here! This has not been a good day!"

Bester smirked. "At least I'm off that planet!"

"Shut up, Bester!"

"Hey, do you mind if I join your crew? I want to be with you when you catch up with Chekov."

"Well, the thing is that we don't have any crew openings at the moment."

Bester looked around and finally began gazing at Hawk. Hawk suddenly slumped to the ground. Bester turned back to Evil Braxton. "You have an opening now."

Evil Braxton was shocked. "Hey, he was a good (and by that, I mean evil) man! We might have needed him someday to impersonate Sisko! Did you have to kill him?"

"He's not dead, he's just in shock. Like you will be if I don't get a job..."

"Okay, okay, you can take over for Hawk! But he's not going to be happy about this..."

And so, the Excelsior crew began searching for another way home...

***