to survive make your time.Upon observing a map of Mars, and trying to figure out the distance from Noachis Terra to Malea Planum in inches, if one inch, like the map says, is 433 miles, I discovered that I was interested in producing and directing a full-length 'Zero Wing' feature.
My dream quickly died, as I realized I had no money, no camera, no actors and most certainly no ILM to create the incredible special effects used to help Cats become, second only to perhaps Darth Vader, one of the most culturally indelible Space Antagonists of the 20th centuries.
However, the idea still lives on, and without further vacillation, Ultra Magnus torporificly presents his casting call for:
THE MOVIE
As is the case with any infantile feature film presentation, the casting starts around the central character, using he, or she, to help define the projects structural identity. For Zero Wing, this is no different.
Captain:
As central, and as integral as a character can become. Each of the Star Trek series have centered around their respective Captains, and while there are debates amongst fans regarding the fighting ability of Kirk vs Sisko, and the testosterone level of Janeway versus the rest of the Captains combined, a comparison which, is no small matter to decide the victor, this unnamed captain, while having a brevity of screentime, stands above and beyond the other captains, as if each and every one of his lines holds the world, and indeed, crew and ZIGs on his shoulders.
The captain. A symbol of integrity and great justice for us all.
Casting such an important role is no light task. Imagine if a young Lawrence Tureaud had been cast as Richard Rountree's signature Character. I doubt the mystique of Isaac Hayes would have been where it is today if he had sang "Who is the man, who pity da foo who don't like the bad mother..." A bad casting decision can make the difference between a bad movie and a bad movie with a bad actor in a bad role. John Wayne as Genghis Kahn comes to mind.
So after careful deliberation and examinations of all the Pitts, Afflecks, Damons, Willis', Stallones and Schwarzeneggers, only one choice remained.
Dolph Lundgren.
This Swedish Meatball has everything needed to bring the highly coveted role of 'Captain' to the big screen:
A vast, comprehensive acting resume, including such films as Masters Of The Universe, in which he played He-Man, and the made-for-TV movie 'Blackjack'. I think he played a guy who busted over 21, so he KILLED THEM ALL! LIKE HE KILLED APOLLO! DAMN RUSSIANS!!! GOD BLESS THE USA!
An overwhelming an commanding persona,
And his nationality ensures stilted, broken english, perfect for the key dramatic moments of the film, like "What You Say?!" and "What Happen?"
If you are thinking that the Captain is the only role in Zero Wing, you are wrong.
Mechanic:
There are many more than the Captain, one of which is the key role of the 'Mechanic'.
While not actually seen on screen, the Mechanic has one of the most jarring and plot-advancing lines in the whole sequence:
"Somebody set up us the bomb."
Until this point, the audience had no idea of "What Happen?!", and it was only until the Mechanic divulged this critical information did we know that the ship had been victim to an intentional, malicious attack, with the bomb, no less.
Despite the complete lack of any screen time, the only chance to survive the role of Mechanic, is an actor named 'Brian Brophy'. Although an unknown, he was cast as 'Bomb Expert' in the classic 1998 film Ted.
Operator:
The voice of reason, an information. He is the Captain's right hand man, notifying the (D?)discovery over subspace, and the integral link between the ship, and man. In theory, for such an important role should go to someone who knows operations, someone who will fit the role like a glove. Seeing as how the only people like this are actual, real-life operators, this avenue is closed. Real life operators would bring things into the production like proper grammar, and actuall operating procedures. We cannot have this, lest the integrity of the message that Zero Wing brings to us, and future generations be diluted. For the role of operator, I choose Clint Howard.
There are no fan sites for Mr. Howard.
Having played an Operator in 'Apollo 13' & another in 'Austin Powers II', this short, slimy cretin is a lock for the position of Operator, plus casting him means he gets to bring his older brother director along, Ronald, or something. I think he played some greasy kid Barney Fife fondled. Free Directors, though, are always a good thing.
Cats:
Aside from having a name that strikes fear into even the most un-allergic of men, Cats is apparently half cybernetic, paralleling the Borg, but predating them by months. He also is missing his right eye (our left), enhancing his menace one-fold. A sightless villain is a scary villain. What 'the Fugitive' did for One-Armed Men, 'Zero Wing' does for One-Eyed men. With feline names.
How does one go about even imagining an actor tasking the role of Cats? The role of taking bases and consecutive Ha's? It is no easy task, my friends. Not at all. Who is ominous? Who can play a man named Cats? And be menacing like a Tiger? (Chalk one up for me.) Who can stand in front of the Captain, and laugh in his face, like a renegade! Who laughs at your face! A captain played by Dolph Lundgren, no less. It shivers me to the core, to think of such a man. Yet, there is one.
He has played half-man, half-metal villans before. He has stared down James Bond. He has played a villain named 'Jaws'. 'Cats' will be no problem for this behemoth of a man. He is Richard Kiel.
A secret addition to the film version will be the stunning conclusion of the ZIGs and 'Cats'. A conclusion? You ask. Yes. A conclusion.
After defeating the game on the original Arcade platform, the ending sequence appears. This ending sequence is now prepared for you:
CONGRATULATION !!
A.D.2111
ALL BASES OF CATS WERE DESTROYED.
IT SEEMS TO BE PEACEFUL.
BUT IT IS INCORRECT.
CATS IS STILL ALIVE.
ZIG-01 MUST FIGHT AGAINST CATS AGAIN.
AND DOWN WITH THEM COMPLETELY!
GOOD LUCK.
This leaves sequel potential.
ZIG BOND WILL RETURN.
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"Instructed by history and reflection, Julian was persuaded that, if the diseases of the body may sometimes be cured by salutary violence, neither steel nor fire can eradicate the erroneous opinions of the mind."
-Edward Gibbons, The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire.[/i]
[This message has been edited by Ultra Magnus (edited March 19, 2001).]
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