posted
After seeing the "Das Boot" ending suggested for Voyager, I started talking about it with a mate of mine, Monty by name (some of you know him, I gather), over a few drinks. And once we got started, we couldn't stop - the end results are given below. . .
***
Presenting possible endings for Star Trek: Voyager
The "Dallas" Ending - Kim wakes up in bed in San Francisco, and realises it's all been a dream. He hears the shower running, then it stops. . . and out comes Tom Paris.
The "Dynasty" ending - On arriving home, Paris and Torres' "proper" wedding takes place in a quaint alien church. Just as they are about to take their vows, a horde of Kazon burst in and shoot everybody. After stealing the cake, they run off, leaving everybody in a big pool of multi-coloured blood. A coda reveals that none of them were actually killed, only a token redshirt (ie in Security/Engineering gold, such as one of the crew from "Good Shepherd").
The "Planet of the Apes" ending - A wormhole deposits the Voyager crew home, but they are mystifed to find themswlves back on Ocampa again. The shattered ruins of the Golden Gate Bridge on the surface lead to Janeway realising the truth, and cursing those Starfleet maniacs to hell. Humanity is condemned to a future as boring elves with silly ears.
The "Spaceballs" ending - With their ship all but destroyed, Janeway's crew end up crashing the Voyager into an alien beach, nose first. As she clambers down to the ground on a rope, a bunch of alien horsemen arrive and bemoan, "Voyager!" "Oh, shit! There goes the Planet. . ."
The "Babylon 5" ending
EITHER - No wormholes are found and the journey becomes very boring. Janeway eventually gets old and is kicked off the ship in a shuttlepod and left to go explore the rim, etc. As she dies, the near-death soul-snatching alien from "Coda" reappears and asks "Did you think we had forgotten you?"
OR - Janeway sends the crew home, but wanders off into the wormhole in a shuttle and reappears a thousand years ago. She goes on to form the Borg Collective and gleefully tells her first victims that they have "much work ahead of us".
OR EVEN - The "Deconstruction of Falling Stars" ending: as the future human's Ranger-insignia'd ship leaves the Solar System, it passes Voyager, finally getting home - only to be destroyed as the Sun goes nova.
The "Red Dwarf" ending - Janeway forgets which planet she parked Voyager over and as a result is forced to spend the rest of the journey in the Delta flyer with all the senior staff squashed in the back. Much hilarity as they argue over water recycling, lack of storage space, and Neelix's socks.
The "Some Like It Hot" ending - Neelix and Tuvok are left behind in a shuttle after a bizarre caper where they ended up in drag. Tuvok points out to Neelix that he is a Vulcan. Neelix ominously remarks that "nobody's perfect".
The "Casablanca" ending
EITHER - Doctor sends Seven off on last shuttle through a wormhole, being left behind with Mr Paris, with whom he is sure he will develop a "beautiful friendship".
OR - Chakotay sacrifices himself to get them home after he's sent Janeway on the last shuttle. He's left behind, along with Seven who decided to stay as well. It's them who walk into the fog, uttering those immortal words.
The "2001: A Space Odyssey" ending - Wormhole trip for the crew ends with Janeway waking up in the New York Hilton's royal suite. After wandering around for a bit, she drops dead in the bed, as a cube appears at the foot of it.
The "The Prisoner" Ending - Ship evacuated amid much random explosions, sudden desire of Maquis to shoot their way out, warp core ejection and intercom blaring "All You Need is Love". Chakotay eventually makes it back to San Francisco and is re-united with his sexy yellow and green Lotus roadster. . .
The "Life of Brian" ending - It all goes rather wrong as Janeway and the whole crew get assimilated by the Borg. As she is plugged into an alcove she is comforted by the cheerful song sung by her fellow drones, encouraging her to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". End has the whole collective joining in the final chorus as the camera redoes the opening pull-back shot from First Contact.
The "Scooby Doo" ending - Mysteriously, they once again find themselves back where they started, at the Caretaker's Array. But this time Janeway removes the Caretaker's mask to reveal it is in fact Captain Braxton.
The "Evil Dead 2" ending - Kim alone makes it back to Earth, only to find himself standing outside his wrecked shuttle looking at the mediaeval knights & peasants that surround him. The camera pans back as he howls "NOOOOO!" at the uncaring sky.
The "Quantum Leap" ending - Janeway changes time so Kim never got posted to Voyager. The ship never returns home.
The "Usual Suspects" ending - The surviving crew are interrogated by Starfleet Security, who are convinced that Chakotay (now dead, although they suspect he faked his death) was the ultimate leader of the Maquis. Their star witness, Tom Paris, tries to persuade them otherwise. After he leaves, the interrogator puts together all the clues and realises Paris is the man they want: but it's too late - just like that, he's gone.
***
And so am I. 8)
------------------ "I do prefer the arse, but you can't dismiss the leg. They're joined at the hip, so to speak."
posted
-Just like that! *snap* -Like that? *snap* -You got it.
How about the Twelve Monkeys ending?
Janeway (with wonder-bun toup�) runs in SpaceDock towards "departing" with ancient .44 magnum and tries to shoot a more-than-usually-mad Braxton (carrying a lucious 'omega-particle' curry dish) in the back, but is phasered to a steaming pile of meat by Starfleet security, all in front of the eyes of an adorable, fragile little Annika Hansen...
------------------ Here lies a toppled god, His fall was not a small one. We did but build his pedestal, A narrow and a tall one.
quote:The "Life of Brian" ending - It all goes rather wrong as Janeway and the whole crew get assimilated by the Borg. As she is plugged into an alcove she is comforted by the cheerful song sung by her fellow drones, encouraging her to "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life". End has the whole collective joining in the final chorus as the camera redoes the opening pull-back shot from First Contact.
*ROTFLMAO*!!! It would be priceless to see an entire Cube sing this song!
posted
What about the Monty Python and the Holy Grail ending? Juas as Voyager finally makes it back to Earth, they find it guarded by a bunch of ships full of French guys. Then, suddenly, all of Starfleet shows up to help Voyager, but security guards beam in and arrest Janeway and Chakotay at the last moment.
Or the A Tale of Two Cities ending. Kim falls in love w/ Seven again, who ends up returning the affection, and they get married. Then Kim gets arrested by French revolutionaries (well, okay, maybe by someone else...) and is going to be executed, so the HoloDoc changed his program so that he looks like Kim, takes Kim's place, and sacrifices himself so Kim and Seven can stay together.
Or we can have the Cryptonomicon ending, where the writers make an attempt to tie up loose ends from earlier in the series, but the ending is crappy and doesn't make sense, anyway. :-)
------------------ "What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable." -T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000
posted
The La Femme Nikita Ending: Kim finds a wormhole that gets the crew home only to fly them back into it one episode later which deposits them right back where they were. He proceeds to take a shuttle, and tell the crew that he is secretly working for Section 31, is responsible for trapping them in the Delta Quadrant, has been studying their reactions, and never really liked any of them anyway.
------------------ "A gathering of Angels appeared above my head. They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said..." -Styx
posted
The Fight Club ending: Chakotay starts plotting to wreak havoc in the Delta Quadrant and blow up a bunch of planets there. Janeway tries to stop him, then suddenly realizes that Chakotay is and always has been a second personality of hers, so she phasers herself through the mouth to kill him. She lives, but forgets about the planets and they blow up. :-)
------------------ "What he did to that walrus gentle-man was inexcusable." -T. Herman Zweibel on "Mr. Woodrow Wood-pecker", The Onion, 7-Nov-2000
posted
The Seinfeld ending: The crew of Voyager gets arrested for actually failing to intervene in a conflict between two alien species. Following a trial with cameo appearances by everyone they've met along the way, the crew is sentenced to a year in jail.
posted
The Transformers: The Movie ending: Voyager and the Borg battle it out again. The Borg lighten their load by tossing the Borg Queen out into space, who drifts by Unicron, and is transformed into GalvaQueen. Meanwhile, Janeway dies of massive injuries, and passes on the Rank Pips of Leadership to Chakotay, who can't seem to figure out how to put them on. GalvaQueen steals the Pips of Leadership and is promptly swallowed by Unicron, where Harry Kim soon joins her. Harry gets the Pips of Leadership back and uses them to become Captain Kim. GalvaQueen gets tossed out of Unicron as he explodes.
quote: Monty by name (some of you know him, I gather), over a few drinks.
Tell the bugger to stop in and say "Hi" once in a while. If he doesn't want to post here, TNO is still in operation!! He can also find me at the Slipstream bbs.
------------------ All along the watchtower, princes kept the view While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too.
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl, Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl. Bob Dylan
------------------ "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." - Dave Barry
posted
The Lysistrata Ending: Seven of Nine takes control of the ship by having Tal Celes, the Delany Twins, and herself parade around in thongs. The women make the men weak and the rest of the women distracted. Seven orders the men to lock the rest of the women up and proceed to solve the Delta Quad. Voyager then heads home for Earth, thanks to the Slipstream Drive, and as the ship enters the San Fransisco Fleet Yards, the men release the women and all proceed to get naked and sing "Hail to the Chief."
The James Bond Ending: Harry Kim secertly works for Starfleet Intelligence and was sent to spy on Janeway who was going to take over the Federation with help from the Borg. After seven years of Janeway holding his promotion because he will not sleep with her, he decides to kill her. He gets help from Seven of Nine by sleeping with her, and all hell breaks loose on Voyager. Janeway and Kim get into a fight to the death outside Voyager's hull, where Janeway is killed by an exploding lifeboat hatch. Harry takes command and has a martini with Seven in the ready room, where they sleep with each other again.
------------------ "Oh for fuck's sake, stop your moaning, If you fancy a threesome at this time of night, you can't get start getting choosey about which particular three! -Queer As Folk, UK
Topic Closed
Printer-friendly view of this topic