posted
So here was the plan: I'd find a nice pad of paper, a pencil, and my watch, and I'd go into the theater. Then I'd start up the fancy stopwatch feature and make notes, and then everyone, everyone, could thrill to a me-annotated guide to Attack of the Clones.
I found no paper, I grabbed a pen, and my watch is somewhere where I'm not. So no notes were taken.
Some background: I saw Attack of the Clones today, for the very first time. For awhile I was debating whether I was going to see it at all. I mean, it's just a movie, right? There's lots of movies I don't see in the theater, because I am a sad recluse. And there are lots of movies I never see at all, because I am a lazy recluse. But it didn't seem right to not see a Star Wars film in the theater, because I am, if nothing else, a product of my environment.
So rather than a detailed commentary track, I'll just be handing out some awards, in a vaguely chronological order. Yeah. Oh, wait, sub-topic, before I begin: I went and saw Star Wars all by myself today. This was the first time I ever went to a theater alone. I think a girl had invited me to go see it with her for her birthday, back when it came out, but did I? See the recluse bits. Right, anyway, the setting: Simon, 3:30 in the afternoon, a small theater with a few people in it, some kids, mercifully quiet. And so we begin.
Worst theater entrance: And the award goes to me, for getting there late, and thus not having time for my eyes to adjust, and thus wandering aimlessly through the theater for a few horrible seconds. Then I had to walk in front of some people who were enjoying their Men In Black 2 preview, and I bumped into a man's leg! It was not good.
Best trailer featuring Master P's son: Like Mike. He gets magic shoes and is super at basketball! It's like an updating of The Nutty Professor update, but this time without the anthropomorphic flubber.
Major plot element Simon liked least: The Galactic Republic has no army? Uh, sure it doesn't, George. Also, queens are elected and are passionate democrats. So why did the Trade Federation bother with invading Naboo and not, oh, I don't know, the capital of the entire galaxy? Also, no military, but plenty of huge robotic death-dealing walking machines and foreshadowing cruisers. Perhaps used for parades?
Major plot element Simon liked most: Palpatine's plan actually making some sense this time.
Best pickup lines indistinguishable from erotic Star Wars fan fiction: Anakin's. Also, in my experience, when a girl tells you they don't like the way you're looking at them, romance very, very rarely follows. This is a good rule of thumb.
Best Jedi, though unfortunately with the least convincing tough guy hipster line: Mace Windu. "The party's over."? Yeah. Better than "The jig's up, Dooku. The only robot you'll be seeing is the wardenbot at Jedi Prison." I suppose.
Would have been best Jedi if it wasn't for Frank Oz sounding kind of off during the whole thing: Yoda. He spins and stuff! But did he sound quite so weird in The Phantom Menace?
Most lost opportunity: Count Dooku. Chalk it up to Christopher Lee's acting chops, but when he claimed to have a genuine grudge against the way the Republic was doing things, I believed him. Why not have him be telling the truth? He can still be working for Palpatine, even if he doesn't know it.
Slowest getaway vehicle ever: Dooku's solar-sail equipped ship. Great choice, Count, we'll be the fastest ship in the system, providing we're willing to wait several weeks to get the thing moving in the first place.
Hottest actress Simon could be dating this very minute if Tom had held up his part of the plan!: Natalie Portman. Ok, maybe not. The highlight of today's Parade supplement in the Sunday paper was a breathless letter worrying about Ms. Portman being conscripted in the Israeli Army.
Characters most viciously removed of any personality: R2-D2 and C-3PO, arguably some of the best characters in the first three films. Here reduced to terrible one-liners. (Even though some of the people whose comedic sense I trust the most don't seem to agree.) I didn't really have much of a problem with R2 flying around, though.
Lucas' greatest failing as a writer: No, not dialogue, you cynics, though I guess I could argue that. It's confusing whining for anger/sadness/deepfelt emotion. When Lucas wants us to know just how wracked with pain Anakin is, he has him...whine. This is not good. Darth Vader should not whine, even more than he should not say yippee.
Lucasarts' single greatest strength as a film company: Sound. Best sound ever. One of the few bits I still like from The Phantom Menace is the sound of...uh...Sebulba's pod racer. Killer. Beaten here by all sorts of weird engine sounds and funky weapon sounds and so on. Sound!
Scene most reminiscent of The Simpsons: Anakin talking up Obi-wan before whining about him to Amidala. "He's as wise as Master Yoda and as powerful as Master Windu." Surely I wasn't the only one thinking "Oh honey, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
Oddest effects sequence: The whole scene where the evil farmers try to turn Anakin and Amidala into pies.
I think I stretched that beyond all limits of good taste. Uh, ultimate verdict: Good, for now. Admittedly, I was enraptured by TPM for a few hours too, but I think this film was, at worst, just mediocre, and not terrible. Plus the basic underlying plot wasn't built on coincidences and dumb luck. Except...
What was with the whole Tuskin Raider thing? They keep her alive for a month...why? And she just conveniently dies after he arrives. I half expected to find out that this was a humanitarian camp from the Tuskin Raiders chapter of Doctors Without Borders (or "Urk UUUUURGGHHH urk urk"), and Anakin had unstrapped his mother from her cumbersome and primitive-looking life support machinery.
Oh, I almost forgot. Favorite character: Owen Lars. He was cool.
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
It is a very strained reference to a person Tom knows who happened to attend Harvard and saw, in passing, once, Natalie Portman, who also attends Harvard. My plan, while admittedly vague in its details, went something like this:
1.) Meet Portman via guy who saw her once via Tom. 2.) True love.
Registered: Mar 1999
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I believe the secret plot involved Cambridge, MA. Or possibly not. It's an old joke, in any case. But if my little grey cells are working correctly and I'm remembering this properly, I'll pass the blame along to my deceptively-friendly high school guidance counselor. (I'm not bitter. No. Not in the slightest.)
[Edit: Simon and his lightning-quick dragon powers! Drat!
Incidentally, I can count a two-or-three-degree separation from Her Royal Highness through multiple different people now. (The preceding sentence makes sense. Read it again, slowly) So, yeah, laugh at me for being dorky, but you must love me deep down, for I am TEH GEEK MASTUR!]
[ June 30, 2002, 22:54: Message edited by: The_Tom ]
-------------------- "I was surprised by the matter-of-factness of Kafka's narration, and the subtle humor present as a result." (Sizer 2005)
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
To pull some Hitchhiker into things, I liked Owen because he was just this guy, you know? Everyone else was a Jedi or an ex-queen or some other grand high muckity-muck. Not Owen, though. I bet he voted, paid his taxes, but was more worried about taking Beru out for a night of Tatooine skee-ball and dancing on the weekend.
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Well, his dad did say "until it heals," to which I would respond "Wishful thinking, you grizzled old sand farmer, your leg's clean off!" But then I suppose anything is possible with the fancy medical technology of the Old Republic, though it can't apparently replace limbs with non-frightening bionic ones yet.
[ July 01, 2002, 00:20: Message edited by: Sol System ]
Registered: Mar 1999
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And so Liam and I liked C3P0's one-liners. Hardly a crime, especially given how Simon, Mr. Post-Modern himself, was so unwilling to discuss the phallicity of lightsabres over ICQ last night.
posted
I have another one: Line most reminiscent of a James Bond movie: "She seems to be on top of things." Obi Wan said it about Padme in the big arena.
By showing Padme on top of a penis-like object (the column), and with Obi-Wan's remark ("she's on top of it"), George Lucas is doing two things: a) providing a topic for Lee & Simon to discuss on their next phallicity ICQ talk and b) showing that Padme likes to be "on top." Which is good, because without his arm, I don't think Anakin could keep his balance.
Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Sol Precinct: "Also, no military, but plenty of huge robotic death-dealing walking machines and foreshadowing cruisers. Perhaps used for parades?"
Robotic deathdealing things, did you mean the little Iron elephants with howitzers on the back? The AT-TEs, as well as the cool "Mi-24 Hind"-looking gunships and the pre-Star Destroyers, were all equipment built for the Clone Army in secret and that task force was brand new, it hadn't acted as an official Republic Force before.
The Kaminoans (the cloning people) didn't have the resources to build vehichles and starcraft for the Maori-Warriors, so the contract for "Things That Can Fly, Grind And Walk Whilst Shooting/SpaceBombing" was outsourced on a subsidiary to Kuat Drive Yards (future Empire Shipbuilding FatCats).
Most of this came from the "Ep II Cross-sections" book.
When did farmers try to turn Annie and Ami into pies?
-------------------- "I'm nigh-invulnerable when I'm blasting!" Mel Gibson, X-Men
Registered: Aug 1999
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