posted
What, can't a guy be a little imprecise? I don't mean your identity is lost, I mean that your concern for yourself is considered to be totally unimportant next to your concern for the one you love. Of course, in a marriage that has to be mutual.
-------------------- "This is why you people think I'm so unknowable. You don't listen!" - God, "God, the Devil and Bob"
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
And if that person is murderous, or suicidal, or a fan of Bryan Adams, a point comes where you have to admit that you can't help any more.
-------------------- Yes, you're despicable, and... and picable... and... and you're definitely, definitely despicable. How a person can get so despicable in one lifetime is beyond me. It isn't as though I haven't met a lot of people. Goodness knows it isn't that. It isn't just that... it isn't... it's... it's despicable.
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
Rob, dang you, poke a hole in my statement....
There is a point where, regardless of the amount of caring one has for another, the extra baggage can overwhelm you. It does happen where one person needs to be the center of attention all the time. My ex-wife comes to mind, she expected me to completely forget I have a large batch of siblings....
She used that as one of the excuses for her having affairs.... 'You spent time helping your brother so I screwed the guy in Bad Axe/Ann Arbor/Southfield/Grand Rapids....'
Good luck in keeping you sanity 1ST....
-------------------- "You are a terrible human, Ritten." Magnus "Urgh, you are a sick sick person..." Austin Powers A leek too, pretty much a negi.....
Registered: Sep 2000
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quote:What do you mean, you can't handle it any more, and that you're never free of it? WHAT you? If you love her, there IS no you. There is only her well-being and happiness. If you don't want to be totally subsumed in caring for another, then you don't want to love. Pick one.
Love is not either/or. It's openness, freedom. There are no requirements in love. Love doesn't last if you do not love yourself first, for if you're not true to yourself you deprive your loved ones of the real you. Of course, that's assuming you want them to love you and not just someone whose entire existence is waiting upon them. When you love yourself you start loving other people instead of waiting for other people to love you, and I say that from experience.
Registered: Mar 1999
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Shik
Starship database: completed; History of Starfleet: done; website: probably never
Member # 343
posted
How could I forget to include the immortal words of Nigel Watson...
"There are two kinds of women in this world: the kind you fuck, & the kind you marry. And sometimes, if you're lucky...you find one who's both."
-------------------- "The French have a saying: 'mise en place'—keep everything in its fucking place!"
Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
My relationship seems to have slid from being symbiotic to being parasitic while I wasn't looking.
At least, that's the way I feel right now in the exceedingly depressed mood I've been in for the past few days.
Ritten, that's exactly it, that whole "center of attention" thing. You know, I can't even get on my computer at home without being subjected to a crying jag? That's just one symptom, and not the worst.
-------------------- "The best defense is not a good offense. The best defense is a terrifyingly accurate and devastatingly powerful offense, with multiply-overlapping kill zones and time-on-target artillery strikes." -- Laurence, Archangel of the Sword
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
. . . No, I'm not going to say anything here. Except I am, apparently. I'm not especially surprised. But then I'm paranoid and I tend to anticipate situations like the one Rob finds himself in, and I have at times wondered how close his relationship was veering toward the situation he now finds himself in.
All of which is a roundabout way of saying "I told you so." But I don't mean it to sound that way, Rob. I was wondering, did you never consider that your relationship might come to this? No reason you should have, if you truly loved her. . . Also, what is it that's got you thinking in this way anyway? Have you talked to her about any of this? It might be an idea before you really think about ending it.
quote:Rob. I was wondering, did you never consider that your relationship might come to this?
Sometimes, but one in love will consider and reject these thoughts (especially if one has been through something similar before and thinks "Now I'm more aware this time.")
quote: Also, what is it that's got you thinking in this way anyway?
Exhaustion. The last month has been extremely trying. Several nights, I didn't get any sleep at all because she kept waking me up to help her to the bathroom or because she had a nightmare or because she was simply moaning loudly or having a crying jag (She's the loudest sick person I've ever known. Cancer ate my grandmother, and she NEVER made this much noise)
I'm not a full-time caregiver. Even I have my limits. after a night or two without sleep, I tend to reach them rather quickly.
And my own bout with depression. And holiday stress. And the one-year anniversary of her moving in with me. And her failure to make headway in clearing her credit card debts.
quote:Have you talked to her about any of this?
A little. It wasn't pretty, and eventually I sort of folded because I couldn't stay angry.
quote: It might be an idea before you really think about ending it.
Yes, there is more that needs to be said. That much is certain.
-------------------- "The best defense is not a good offense. The best defense is a terrifyingly accurate and devastatingly powerful offense, with multiply-overlapping kill zones and time-on-target artillery strikes." -- Laurence, Archangel of the Sword
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
The longer you wait the more the wounds will fester, then the talking will never be pretty again....
For the most part all the advice we could give you would be worth a little less than spit, so, I wish you good luck and hope that your heart and mind reach an agreement on what you need to do before you lose either....
-------------------- "You are a terrible human, Ritten." Magnus "Urgh, you are a sick sick person..." Austin Powers A leek too, pretty much a negi.....
Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I'm wondering when this will be moved to the Flameboards...
Omega, all I have to say is that I hope you can find whatever you were looking for in this thread.
-------------------- "It speaks to some basic human needs: that there is a tomorrow, it's not all going to be over with a big splash and a bomb, that the human race is improving, that we have things to be proud of as humans." -Gene Roddenberry about Star Trek
Registered: May 1999
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posted
Why move it? No one's really started flaming anyone or anything yet.
As for getting what I needed, it was a poll, more than anything. My conclusion is that most people don't think love is definable, or at least don't care to try, beyond some vague poetic statements.
-------------------- "This is why you people think I'm so unknowable. You don't listen!" - God, "God, the Devil and Bob"
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
Omega, you know a rose by any other name.....
Love means different things to different people, and, while most people will use the cliches to define it, they themselves, can not actually come up with something suitable.... and I am in that they...
A better question may be, why is love the hardest emotion to define, unlike remorse, hate, fear, etc... and What is missing from some people that they do not feel certain emotions...
-------------------- "You are a terrible human, Ritten." Magnus "Urgh, you are a sick sick person..." Austin Powers A leek too, pretty much a negi.....
Registered: Sep 2000
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Cartman
just made by the Presbyterian Church
Member # 256
posted
"My conclusion is that most people don't think love is definable, or at least don't care to try"
People have been trying for the past, oh, five millennia. And failing, I might add. How's that for tenacity?
"What is missing from some people that they do not feel certain emotions..."
Brain chemicals. Or a healthy soul, if you're more spiritually inclined...
-------------------- ".mirrorS arE morE fuN thaN televisioN" - TEH PNIK FLAMIGNO
Registered: Nov 1999
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posted
Love is being able to talk things out without breaking or throwing things (or even much shouting).
Yes. Long talk, blah-blah, apologies offered, blah-blah, agreements reached, blah-blah, some matters of my own fault taken, blah-blah, a couple of nights of uninterrupted power sleeping, blah-blah, situation improving, blah blah.
-------------------- "The best defense is not a good offense. The best defense is a terrifyingly accurate and devastatingly powerful offense, with multiply-overlapping kill zones and time-on-target artillery strikes." -- Laurence, Archangel of the Sword
Registered: Mar 1999
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posted
I'm not trying to be out of line here, Rob. I really have little idea of your situation.
But...are you sure things are going to improve? Are you sure that, in 6 months time, you won't be in exactly the same situation you are now? Are you sure you haven't turned into the abused spouse willing to take anything out of a misguided sense of obligation? Are you sure that you're not just receiving the abuse that's been dished out to her by others? Are you sure that the abuse will ever end?
And above all, are you sure you're helping her? You can't live her life for her. If you've got a situation where she's completely dependent on you, surely that's dangerous? What happens if you're in an accident? What happens if you're killed? You can't help her if she won't help herself, and that will take more than a shouting and throwing match followed by a promise that things will get better.
-------------------- Yes, you're despicable, and... and picable... and... and you're definitely, definitely despicable. How a person can get so despicable in one lifetime is beyond me. It isn't as though I haven't met a lot of people. Goodness knows it isn't that. It isn't just that... it isn't... it's... it's despicable.
Registered: Mar 1999
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