In an atempt to update on the Voyager matter we asked agent Mulder (an agent with a long line of ancestors in the FBI) to tell us what is the truth about Voyager. He answered only with the following words: "The Truth is out there."
------------------ "That's your plan? Wile E. Coyote would come up with a better plan than that!" - Crighton, Farscape.
STARFLEET MARINE GENERAL REMOVED FROM COMMAND: USED VIDEO GAME TO COMMAND TROOPS IN COMBAT
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
It was one of the costliest ground campaigns during the Dominion War, and 25,000 Marines died. Now allegations of misconduct against Gen. Altmeyer have arisen
It was a patch of land roughly one hundred square kilometers, and twenty-five thousand Marines died to take it from dug-in Jem'Hadar troops. General Ilyaro Altmeyer commanded the campaign, and took the credit for the victory, but new information has revealed that he used an old video game to move his troops.
The video game, "StarCraft" was popular in the late twentieth and early twenty-fire centuries on Earth. Players manipulated war campaigns through a simple command box. Gen. Altmeyer modified the game to display his troops, and directed the campaign as if it were a "game".
Lt. Commander Harm Rabb of the Judge Advocate General's Corps, who is prosecuting the General, said today that "to treat the citizens of the Federation who fought under his command as digital 'chess-pieces' is a slap in the face of everything that everyone who died in that War stood for."
When asked for comment, General Altmeyer asked us if we would like to play a quick game of multiplayer "Rainbow Six." This reporter is disturbed by this information -- General Altmeyer's last command was that of Special Operations teams near the former Cardassian border.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
STARFLEET CAPTAIN INVESTIGATED ON SEXUAL MISCONDUCT CHARGES
By Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
The captain of a top Federation starship is being investigated after complaints of 'sexual harassment' -- Starfleet refuses to comment
The Horta Ambassador was the first to voice her complaints after apparently being harassed during a trip to Ho'lii III aboard an unamed Federation Starship. "It was in-excusable for a Starfleet officer," she said angrily. "Admiral Cartwright has promised me action will be taken."
An FNN investigation revealed that two Starfleet ships made the journey from Earth to Ho'lii III in the time frame estimated from the covered-up actions, those ships being the Lexington and the Enterprise.
Commander of the Enterprise, James T. Kirk is currently recovering after a distressing "incident" with his toupee, but a senior bridge officer who did not want to be identified was quoted as saying, "I always caught him looking up my skirt. Damn skirt. I probably should've worn some panties."
James T. Kirk has always had a reputation as a "ladies man". Captain Menendez, a former classmate, told us stories of all the girls Kirk would manage to "hook" up with during their cadet training cruise.
"The Captain has never performed in any way other than his proper duties," Second Officer Montgomery Scott told FNN when asked about Kirk's rumored liasons.
Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy had to be sedated after an uncontrollable laughing outburst when we asked him the same question. First Officer Spock arched an eyebrow and otherwise did not answer. Of the one hundred and nineteen women assigned to the Enterprise, ninety-six giggled and walked away blushing after being asked the same.
This reporter places his money on James T. Kirk making out with a molten rock.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
Two priests aboard time-travel starship deny evolution in favor of creationism.
"I just can't believe it," Lieutenant Commander Darrel Jones, Executive Officer of the time-ship Isreal, which returned last week after a six-month subjective mission, told reporters. "We went back in time, and jumped forward year by year over a span of twenty-thousand years to catalogue evolution on Earth, and they still don't believe it."
Reverend Karl Witchta held up a bible and proclaimed, "evolution is an evil myth. God exists, and He told us that the world was created in six days! Starfleet is evil!"
Reverend So'lia Kopax said, "perhaps we have underestimated God's time frame, however all this proves is that God took a damn long time in creating the world."
"Heretic!" Witchta was heard to yell at Kopax.
The scientific discoveries made by the crew of the Isreal were released at a press conference held by Commander Frank Cho, Chief Science Officer of the starship last night. The religious members were aboard by the order of Admiral Ray Lewis, commander of the Time-Travel Bureau of Starfleet. "We wanted religious members aboard for a variety of reasons," Lewis commented.
"The mission of the Isreal has confirmed a long standing scientific theory," Cho said. "That of evolution. More time-ships will continue what the Isreal began, and we hope to have a more complete picture of the evolution of all of the planets of the Federation in the next fifteen to twenty-years."
"Evil it is," Witchta said in closing.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 28, 2001).]
COUNCIL-MEMBER ACCUSED OF INTERSPECIES SEX BY RELIGIOUS ORDER
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Accusations on heel of committee nomination
Council-thing O'lp of B'lpi IV was accused today by members of that world's fundamentalist religious group t'lip of engaging in sexual intercourse with a member of a gendered species.
"We 'lp are of no gender," said G'hoi 'lpi, a spokesthing for the t'lip Order. "To engage in improper acts with a species with genitalia goes against H'goi and It's teachings."
O'lp's office had no comment, but Council Member Solor of Vulcan said that "to expect members of a sentient race to behave according to a strict outlook on the universe is illogical."
G'hoi 'lpi responded by saying that the B'lpi species was devoted to the t'lip Order and the teachings of H'goi. "Going against It is treason," G'hoi 'lpi said, later indicating that O'lp could be recalled to face a 'vote of no confidence', which would remove him from the Councilseat.
O'lp had recently been nominated and accepted to the Federation Committee for Resource Management. The alleged improper liason occured with Councilwoman Daria Towson of Earth. When asked how it was even possible to have sex with a person of no gender, Towson blushed and refused to answer.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited February 02, 2001).]
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
"It was huge," rumbles Lt. Gosvar, former Chief of Security for the starship Tokyo, lost last week in a freak accident which devoured the Pelileu-Class Starship, a veteran ship of the Dominion War. "It came out of nowhere."
"I gave the order to abandon ship," Captain Connor H. Macy said at a Press Conference aboard the USS Segur. "There were no other options, we had run through every alternative and I came to the conclusion that the ship would be lost."
The commanding officer in the Gamma Quadrant, Admiral John Kvach, stated that a review would be conducted of Macy's performance in the situation. "I have every confidence that Captain Macy will be exhonerated," he said.
First Officer Melanie Kline was "shocked" about the loss of the ship, but was looking forward to returning to Earth and seeing her daughter again. "I haven't seen her since before the War began, I've been gone that long. I can't wait to get some R&R, but I'm upset that it had to happen this way."
Not all of the crew escaped. Security Officer William Lidic died when he apparently did not awaken despite the loud red-alert klaxon. Nurse Kim Harper, his fiance, was tearful. "He was really tired," she admitted, although she didn't say why he was really tired.
Anvek, the Cardassian liason officer aboard the ship, remarked that the officers and crew were among the most professional he had ever met. Anvek was a member of the "Free Cardassian" movement during the War. "Very professional," he said.
"It was a huge bagel," Lt. Si Kwei, science officer, told reporters. "It was like a dream. It just came out of nowhere, we flew into that hole in the middle -- you know? -- and it caved in on us."
"Lot of white stuff, to," Ensign Kelly van Horn contributed.
"I think that was cream cheese," Assistant Chief of Security Nathan Nadell said.
"Certainly, no one expects to get blown up by a big oversized bagel," Macy said in defending his actions during the incident.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
------------------ "One's ethics are determined by what we do when no one is looking" Nugget Star Trek: Gamma Quadrant Star Trek: Legacy Read them, rate them, got money, film them....
Saiyanman Benjita
...in 2012. This time, why not the worst?
Member # 122
posted
GOD PROVEN REAL
Scientists Baffled
By: Benjita Pavlovich Stardate: 41153.7
In a shocking discovery, the existance of God has been proven. Earlier, we received word from the USS Enterprise that a portion of the crew disappeared, without the use of transporter technology. Second Officer Data had this to say, "People disappeared, but when we scanned the area, no residue of transporter activity was apparent." Captain Jean-Luc Picard states that he was teleported to the 21st century without any known scientific method, "We appeared in a courtroom from the 21st century, and a man appeared and enacted a trial to judge mankind." God, who only refers to himself as Q, enacted the trial, and using his omnipotent powers, he swiftly judged humankind, according to Picard. Mankind may be safe for now, but this was a warning to be heeded. Those who were not believers shall now believe. The God Q
Bibles, which had been all but banned, were broken out. Cathedrals opened for the first time in centuries, as the appearance of God brought on an apocalyptic feeling amongst the people of Earth. Religious spokesman Tim Robertson: "The appearance and proof of God has given us something we hadn't had in hundreds of years, faith. Looks like the Theory of Evolution has been proven wrong." Scientists are baffled by this discovery, "We had everything proven. The Theory of Evolution, the Big Bang Theory. Now with the appearance of God, we don't know what is right anymore." Scientists then conducted one last test. The bones of the dinosaurs were, in fact, random bones that just happened to fit together. Further words of God are expected soon, but for now, this reporter gives only this advice, "Believe. The end is nigh..."
------------------ Though it will go without saying ten minutes into these preceedings, View Askew would like to state that this film is - from start to finish - a work of comedic fantasy, not to be taken seriously. To insist that any of what follows is insensitive or inflammatory is to miss our intentions and pass undue judgement, and passing judgement is reserved for God and God alone (this goes for you film critics too...) Just Kidding So please, before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a film, remember God has a sense of humor. Just look at the platypus. Thank you and enjoy the show. P.S. We sincerely apologize to all platypus enthusiasts out there who are offended by that thoughtless comment about the platypus. We at View Askew respect the noble platypus and it is not our intention to slight these stupid creatures in any way. Thank you and enjoy the show.
God admits to playing pranks on humanity for millennia
"The Bible? Hell, I had it transcribed when I was half drunk," Q told reporters yesterday when asked about the creation of the Bible. He freely admitted that it was written "on the seat of my pants. Wait, I'm God, I don't have pants."
He continued to say, that "over the years, the Bible -- both Testaments -- have been so badly mistranslated and misinterpreted, that it's totally different. I like Jews! My son is a Jew, but some people have used the Bible as an excuse to kill Jews. Or homosexuals. Hey, I happen to like homosexuals, they're really good artists."
God went on to bash various religious faiths. "What a bunch of morons. Worship the Protestant way or you'll go to hell! No, it's the Muslim way! You know, it's not the way you worship me, it's that you follow the message."
Asked what that message was, God smiled and replied, "well obviously, I want to be entertained. War! That thing back in the forties was pretty good, but then you came along with nukes and that just sapped all the fun out of it. It took me six days to create the world and you're all ready to blow it up in five minutes. Have you no respect for my work?"
When asked to comment on his "believe, the end is night" statement, God looked surprised. "Good me man! You've only got a life-span of a little over one hundred years! You'll be gone really soon to my perspective anyway ... so, yes, the end is night. Er ... what did you think I meant?"
Responding to charges made by Starfleet Captain Jean-Luc Picard (specificly, that Q/God had taken him back in time to the start of life on Earth), God replied by saying, "how f***ing arrogant to assume that one of my days is equivilant to one of your days. Yeah, that's right, my day is made up of about sixty-million of your years, so there. And you know, that creationism crap is exactly that. I can't just snap my fingers and stuff appears. Well, okay, I can, but yes, your world 'evolved' in a sense -- the theories were correct up to a point, but they fail to take into consideration that I was there at every stage of this so-called 'evolution' making the shit happen. What, you think that fish just walked out of the ocean and grew legs? Nope, I had to entice him with a worm. And it took fifteen thousand trillion fish and a few thousand years before they even got more than a few feet onto the ground."
Told that many beliefs refer to God in texts as "He", God laughed and pulled down his pants. "See? I got both. I'm a hermaphrodite. Both male and female are shaped in part of my form."
Asked why he doesn't have any breasts, God replied that he did, but "they're very small and this is a very sensative subject for me, okay?"
When asked what he was most proud of, God replied: "titty bars! And weed. And Simon Sizer's member, of course."
When asked for specifics, God replied that he just wanted to see if it was possible for one man to be as big as the Empire State Building. He refused to comment on further speculation of how women felt after experiencing Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer.
(This reporter conducted additional research and discovered that a hospital exists for women who can no longer walk due to soreness. Strangely, it is populated by those known to have had a "close" relationship with Simon "Empire State Building" Sizer)
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
------------------ "One's ethics are determined by what we do when no one is looking" Nugget Star Trek: Gamma Quadrant Star Trek: Legacy Read them, rate them, got money, film them....
And in other news, a diplomatic incident has arisen after an unfortunate accident in the Cardassian system. Whilst ferrying feared war criminal and ladies man Simon Sizer to a hen party in Lessepia, what appeared to be a phaser blast erupted without warning from the U.S.S. Calamity, striking one of the escorting Cardassian vessels. While no serious injuries were sustained by the Cardassians, a series of hull breaches were reported to have occured on the dorsal section of the Crapshit, the unlucky ship.
A report into the incident was immediately instigated by Rear Admiral Crafty-Butcher. Within a matter of minutes, the cause of the powerful discharge was revealed to be none other than Mr. Sizer himself!
This reported learned that Mr. Sizer could not find a bathroom large enough to accomodate him, so he took it upon himself to, in effect, "wind down the proverbial window". Opening the hangar doors to Shuttle Bay Two, he powered down a section of the Structural Integrity Field to facilitate Nature's urging. Quite a large section, this reporter adds.
Mr. Sizer was not harmed attempting this feat, as the excessive size of, ahem, "him" generates quite a substantial gravity field of it's own. The oval-shaped halo of particles that surround Mr. Sizer's lower abdomonal region (sometimes refered to as "Sol's Second Oort Cloud"), held in place by the sheer magnitude of "his" mass, protected Mr. Sizer from the bare freezing vacuum of space and the danger of naked radiation and pert solar activity.
In fact, the first indication that something was wrong was a slight shift in the gravimetric field surrounding the Calamity.
After Mr. Sizer's "opering salvo", panicky suggestions abounded that it was a cloaked vessel that had opened fire on the Cardassian ship, rumours fueled by the revelation that the gravimetric field had changed just prior to the discharge. Later investigations, however, showed that the distortions in the field were too big to be any cloaked ship. It was most definitely Mr. Sizer.
Image 4 - The disastrous effect Mr. Sizer has on weak ablatives. Note how the inverse-square law of electro-magnetic irradiance has no affect on the enormous destructive potential of Mr. Sizer's member. The near-lightspeed hail of particles ionized any and all gases in it's path, as evidenced by the red colour of the discharge. Either that or last night's tikka was kickin'.
Image 14 - The Galaxy class U.S.S. Zoiks Scoob was passing the Crapshit at low impulse when the accident occured. Here is a picture of the Crapshit just before impact.
Image 13 - Although the damage sustained by the Crapshit was not inconsiderable, this image (taken just after impact, by the Zoiks Scoob) really does make the damage look worse than it really is. The fiery inferno you see is just a millisecond-duration reaction between the Cardassians warp plasma manifolds and the plasma from Mr. Sizer's manifold warper.
Image 3 - Unfortunately, the Calamity was forced to eject a large amount of impulse exhaust as the ship's waste recyclers couldn't cope with the demands Mr. Sizer placed on them for the rest of the journey. StarFleet reports that a Badlands-type region of intense plasma activity is forming around this region now.
Also in Image 4: Minor damage was also inflicted on another Cardassian ship, the Stain, as an initial "test-the-waters" squirt by Mr. Sizer ricocheted off a small moon. The impact crater on the moon has yet to be named by the Cardassian Insystem Society.
(Sorry I couldn't link da pics directly - they're applets methinks.)
------------------ "Sack me!? I MADE the BBC!!"
[This message has been edited by Gaseous Anomaly (edited January 30, 2001).]
SIMON "REALLY BIG BANANA" SIZER CONVICTED OF "URINATING" IN SPACE
by Miguel Molina, special to the FNN
Simon "Make Women Sore" Sizer convicted of incident leading to damage to Cardassian Crapshit
Simon "Needs Loose Waisted Jeans" Sizer was convicted today of urinating out of a starship window, inflicting damage on the Cardassian ship Crapshit.
"I apologize for what I did in a panicked moment," Sizer stated today.
Sizer attributed the incident to a lack of bathroom facilities aboard the Calamity.
A civil suit has been filed against God, who endowed Mr. Sizer, apparently on purpose. God, also known as "Q", laughed at the claims, snapped his finger, and told this reporter than the lawyers suing him now had very little members.
------------------ Star Trek Gamma Quadrant Average Rated 6.83 out of 10 Smileys by Fabrux *** "Oh, yes, screw logic, let's go for a theory with no evidence!" -Forum Member Who Shall Be Nameless. 11:48am, Jan. 19th, 2001
[This message has been edited by JeffKardde (edited January 30, 2001).]
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